6 New Year’s Resolutions That Are Worth Keeping
1. You can learn how to say no to people. It’s actually quite easy, isn’t it? You’ll probably be surprised it took you this long to figure out but don’t beat yourself up about it. The important thing is that you got to the point where it finally resonated with you. You can start the year off as a doormat, as a “yes” man, and then slowly start to feel your resolve build. When I was younger, I didn’t know how to say to no to anyone ever and as a result, I spent my formative years getting taken advantage of by just about everyone. Then, seemingly overnight, I hit my limit and decided that I’m going to put myself first and cut the fat. My social life is now decidedly more anorexic than it used to be but I don’t mind. Now that I’ve learned how to create boundaries with people, everyone who’s still in my life is meant to be.
2. You can take more risks. Risks are always nice. It’s no fun being stuck in your ways, especially when you’re in your twenties, and still have a lot of insane living left to do. Risks = potentially amazing things happening in your life. No risks = no sex, no joys, lots of stagnant evenings in bed watching Netflix. Being high-maintenance doesn’t get you anywhere besides living a life that’s permanently constipated.
3. Stop being such a curmudgeon. There are cynical assholes born every second so why do you feel the need to add to it? Be kinder to people, don’t burn bridges, be more understanding. Is it just me or were people really behaving like dicks in 2012? I was so tired of the constant insults and outrage and annoyance. Take a chill pill, you freaks. You all have your iPads and your HBO subscriptions and dinner parties. Life cannot be the worst thing ever and if its, let me play a song for you on the world’s smallest violin.
4. Read more. Reading is like brain food and the more you do it, the more enlightened you will become. And no, reading Keep Calm And Carry On doesn’t count. Go read something less Soccer Mom Having Deep Thoughts At Her Book Club. (I know I said stop being a curmudgeon but book snobbery is a *thing* and always will be.)
5. Cut out the exes who make your bones ache and your heart hurt. Protect yourself against those who don’t value you as much as they should. Getting treated like shit loses its luster after awhile. People don’t tell you the truth, which is that it can actually feel good for an allotted amount of time, it can feel good to see how low you’ll go to feel recognized by someone, but then it just starts to reveal itself for what it is: you not respecting yourself enough to not get walked on all over.
6. Vow to be honest, vow to be ridiculous, vow to make out with as many people in dark bars as you want, don’t worry about what other people think of you because no one’s worth the decision to live your life on a low volume, stop freaking out about getting a full eight hours of sleep in fact never turn down a night of potential fun for sleep because can sleep give you a blowjob or make you laugh?, paint the picture of what you want your life to look like and do it DO IT DO IT. 2013 IS THE YEAR OF DOING. START NOW. RESOLVE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS.
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THE NSA IS WATCHING YOU.
Give thanks, love more, and smile often.
The sex that most people are doing now is actually just an invention of the patriarchy. It’s rape.
Do good things come to those who wait? Or do good things come to those who go out and get them?