Hey guys! Did you hear? The Pope gave us his annual “Screw you!” Christmas present early. At his end-of-the-year speech, he said charming things about gay marriage like, “In the fight for the family, the very notion of being — of what being human really means — is being called into question,” and “it becomes clear that when God is denied, human dignity also disappears.”
Um, no, Pope-y. You got it wrong. People loving each other does not threaten the future of mankind or redefine what it means to be a human or a man. If anything, it’s a glorious reminder as to why we’re all here, which is to love one another! Get warm and fuzzes! Have sex! Feel less alone! I’m so tired of people talking about this “fight” to preserve the sanctity of families. Didn’t the Menendez brothers destroy that in the 80s when they blew their parents heads off in the comfort of their Beverly Hills home?
Since the Pope is so afraid of the Gay Marriage Monster, I’ve decided to quell his anxiety by presenting him with 15 things that are way scarier than two men joining hands in marriage.
2. Your bank account the day before you get paid
3. Melissa Joan Hart’s acting career
4. Going to the post office to mail something
5. Calling someone up on the phone
7. Rude weight gain
8. 8-year-olds who have iPhones
10. Your neck becoming old and wrinkly
11. Birthday dinners in which it’s suggested that you all just split the bill
12. Asking your boss for a raise
13. Sweat stains that ruin your white shirts FOREVER
14. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The original one, not the remake starring Jessica Biel, although both are terrifying in their own unique ways
15. People being like “No, you can’t marry this person because it makes me totes uncomffff. SORRY NOT SORRY!