November 17, 2012

Updates From The Frightened People Inside Rihanna’s Plane

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So did you hear that professional freak on a leash, Rihanna, boarded a jet with a bunch of lucky fans and journalists to — I don’t know — presumably drug them with GHB so she can ghostwrite amazing profiles of herself while they’re all unconscious?

Calling it her 777 tour, Rihanna is taking these terrified hostages on a jaunt around the world that’ll take place over the course of seven days. Being kidnapped by a notoriously crazy pop star sounds like it has the makings of a new Saw sequel but, according to footage and people’s Twitter feeds, the only thing Rihanna has done so far is get everyone wasted. Jesus Christ, a bunch of drunk nerdy journalists stuck on a plane with Rihanna can only mean one thing: everybody’s getting pregnant on this trip.

Although the media is painting a happy-go-lucky picture of life on the Rihanna plane, I know that some dark shit must be going down on the DL. Using smoke signals, intuition, and my cell phone, I reached out to the journalists to get the real story behind the “666,” oops I mean 777, tour.

Bob Bobberson, Horse & Equestrian magazine: I can’t talk long, it’s not safe but I must get the truth out there. Rihanna’s true purpose behind this tour is not to give everyone diamonds and get them drunk in higher altitudes like she’s made it seem to the media. She’s doing this to TORTURE the journalists who wrote bad things about her in the past. The fans are staying in a separate, more glamorous cabin while the writers are forced to sleep in coach. The only thing she’s fed us so far is body glitter and the occasional hallucinogen. It’s terrible. Send help!

Betty Spaghetti, Teen Whore Weekly: I knew things weren’t going to be good when we boarded the plane and Rihanna came on the intercom singing, “Umbrella-ella-ella-ay” for approximately four hours. Then, taking a page from her “S& M” video, she had us all bound and gagged by her bodyguards before she stood in front of us, wearing admittedly chic dominatrix gear, and doled out our punishments. We received five lashes if we ever wrote that her voice sounded like a cat in heat and twenty lashes if we compared her to a “drunk retarded person.” I’ve received 25 lashes, obvi. What can I say, I’m a bitch? LOL! She looks skinny though.

Katy Perry, mediocre pop singer/ex-BFF: I don’t return Rihanna’s phone calls for five days so she freaks out, kidnaps me in the middle of the night, and forces me to share air space with 24-year-old bloggers? Rude. She’s so going to pay for this.

Gregory Ghoul, http://www.IHateEveryone.com: When Rihanna taped our eyelids open and made us watch her make out with that d-bag, Chris Brown, I dealt with it. When she forced us to listen to her and Katy Perry argue over whose essence was the most magical, I was fine. But when she did a two hour concert entirely in a capella, I lost it. Have you heard sing without the help of a studio tech? Truly terrifying. In the words of Rihanna herself, “S.O.S.!”

Courtney Love, random celebrity: I mean I’m having fun. Where am I?

Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance hear from anyone else. The last contact I had was with Courtney Love and we were cut off right when I heard Rihanna trying to sing again. Everyone was screaming. This is serious, you guys. I’ll be working around-the-clock to bring these journalists back on land and safe in their depressing railroad apartments, criticizing celebrities, where they belong! TC Mark

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