November 1, 2012

How To Have A Good Sense Of Style

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What is the issue?

Have a bad sense of style. Because how can you ever know what good style is until you’ve spent some time dressing like Nicole Richie in season one of The Simple Life? I don’t trust those fashion bitches who say they came out of their mother’s vaginas wearing placenta by Rick Owens. As if. There’s a Delia’s catalogue hidden in everybody’s past.

Also, you need to realize that the culture of fashion is mostly bullshit. They’re all just rude, 90-pound aliens wearing bat wings and parakeets in their hair, and passing it off as cool. You can’t trust a hungry person. They’re lightheaded from food deprivation. They’re not thinking clearly so don’t believe them when they tell you that sneakers with a HEEL are chic. They’re lying to you. They are a bunch of starving little liars! Maybe if you feed them a slice of cake, they’ll start telling you the truth but the chances of that happening are as slim as Melissa Joan Hart winning an Oscar.

Don’t read fashion magazines if you want to know about the latest trends because they all essentially say the same thing: Fringe is in unless it’s not, ballerina buns look great but only on a Wednesday at 2:00 p.m., red jeans are DARING, EDGY, COOL, unless you actually wear them out in public, then you’re just stupid and look like a fire hydrant, fishtail braids look hot unless it’s December 15th or April 2nd and, lastly, paying lots of money to look like a homeless beggar is so awesome and unexpected and weird and, oh my god, you better mix designer with vintage, girlfriend! “I do this weird thing where I pair a $2 thrifted flannel with, like, $2,000 Chanel flats.” Wow. Truly funky.

The key to dressing well is to only dress for yourself. Trying on a pair of Blake Lively’s favorite jeans will only result in you sobbing in the fetal position on the dressing room floor because no one, and I mean NO ONE, has the same body as Blake Lively except for, perhaps, a starving giraffe. It took me a long time to realize that my body was unlike anyone else’s, so trying to wear things that looked good on my friend’s body may sometimes make me look like a guppy fish. Dry those tears though. This was just God’s beautiful plan to make us with all different body types so we could all feel horribly inadequate standing next to each other! God bless! Love, light, and self-loathing!

Having a good sense of style means having common sense and a healthy sense of self-awareness about your own body. Those might seem like easy basic qualities to possess but, guess what, they’re not! That’s why we have millions of people buying jeans that are a size too small and resigning themselves to wearing jeggings. Yes, that’s right: We can blame jeggings on assholes like Anna Wintour for wanting us to wear things that make no practical sense whatsoever. Don’t act so horrified, Anna. You did this to us. TC Mark

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