1. You keep writing something on someone’s Facebook wall and accidentally posting it as a status update.
2. You overshare to an uncomfortable degree. When you talk about pooping, farting, and screwing so much, it becomes not so much about “artistic expression” as it does about your need for attention. Scale it back. Think before you tweet. Does the Internet really need to know that you ate a ham sandwich whilst taking a dump today? Hon? Don’t be scared. Just listen to me. Help me help you. Step away from the keyboard. Deep breaths. No, no, stay away! Do I need to bring the taser out? “Must tweet… about recent bowel movement. Can’t resist the feedback.”
3. You have an email address at hotmail.com, yahoo.com or, gasp!, Comcast.net?! This year, I’m giving you the gift of relevancy aka Gmail for Christmas.
4. You’re still posting things about “Call Me Maybe.” Just let it die (by Feist)!
5. You send naked pictures indiscriminately. Call me a Puritan but my dick will only be seen IRL by those who are doing pleasurable things to it. When did everyone get to be so “whatevs” about sending naked pictures of themselves to strangers? Is this the kind of person we’ve always been and we just needed technology to extract it from us?
6. You tweet about fights with your BF/GF, even though they follow you on Twitter. I’m #NotClearOn people who still think of social networking spaces as their own private diary. You understand that people do read the things you write, correct? I just imagine that horrible Britney Sears song “Dear Diary” playing in the background of someone’s bedroom as they sit down and decide to tweet their innermost thoughts. “I’m so glad I have an outlet that’s just for me,” they sigh contentedly. “I feel fortunate enough to have stumbled upon this tiny website called Twitter. So cathartic…”
7. You accidentally tweet something that was intended to be a DM. To be fair, this is super easy to do. I’ve come close to doing it, which is terrifying, because all of my DM’s are so #dark and can never see the light of the day.
8. You’re lurking someone’s Instagram who you don’t follow and accidentally “like” one of their photos. This is the ultimate slice of humble pie, isn’t it? It’s like, “Yep, you caught me! I was totally lurking you, even though we’re not friends IRL. All I can hope and pray for is that you do the same to me. Go “like” one of my photos now so we can even the scales please. I’m on an Insta-shame spiral right now.”
9. You’re constantly drunk tweeting/Facebooking. Stop doing this. Nothing good comes from being on the Internet at 4 a.m. You know that. When you’re drunk, the Internet is like the most popular mean girl in school who’s determined to ruin your reputation. It may look seductive but it is not your friend!