1. The dentist
It’s almost become comical how much we’ve grown to fear the dentist. If someone didn’t know any better, they’d think that it entailed getting your teeth broken by a sledgehammer while being forced to listen to the Muzak version of “Livin’ La Vida Loca.” It’s actually not that bad. In fact, the most terrifying part is having to make small talk with the dental hygienist while she forces your mouth wide open with a metal spoon thingy. What’s up with that anyway? Why do they ask you a question when your jaw is dropped and you’re ordered not to speak?
“How’s your mom doing?”
“Now, honey, I’m gonna need you not to talk right now, okay? Mama’s getting the drill out and I wouldn’t want to make an oopsie on ya…”
2. Shopping malls
Even though my gene pool is tainted with Valley mall trash, I still can’t seem to enjoy malls. Perhaps it’s the recycled air, which makes me legitimately lightheaded, the depressing cell phone kiosks, or the family of 12 that’s trudging their way to the Cinabon — whatever it is, I hate it. It makes me immediately feel anxious and claustrophobic. The only time you’ll ever see me go to a mall is for a sinfully delicious Orange Julius, and even then, I prefer to be pushed speedily through in a wheelchair with an oxygen mask, like Michael Jackson.
3. Rich people apartments
I have a love/hate with rich people apartments. On one hand, I’m a curious George and am dying to see what $5 million can buy you in Manhattan. (Hint: A foyer and maybe a balcony.) On the other hand, it makes me super comfortable being around such insane wealth. I’m scared I’ll accidentally break a vase that was originally in Versailles or something. “You just ruined Marie Antoinette’s favorite vase, you idiot! Please remove yourself from the premises immediately, you plebeian!”
4. Outdoor music festivals
You mean you want me to pay YOU so I can stand sixteen hours a day in stifling heat next to some girl with dreads named Kaia, listening to Manu Chao, and then sleep in a tent? Are you out of your mind? Large crowds terrify me, especially ones that are littered with people who have extreme body odor and are on mushrooms.
5. Expensive clothing stores
Okay, why are the sales people making me feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? Do they think I’m stealing something?! Why are there no size larges?! Why did I let the hot guy who works here just convince me into buying a $300 muumuu?
6. Catch up dates with old friends I could care less about
What are we going to talk about? I better have some planned conversation topics, in case there’s ever a lull. So we’ll start off with “What are you up to?” which should bleed nicely into work and dating and then… I guess we could reminisce about middle school? Shoot, there’s no way we’re making it past appetizers.
7. The party where your ex might show up
Is he really coming? Shoot, I really hope he doesn’t. I CANNOT see him right now. Plus, I look like crap. Oh god, was that him? No, that was a lesbian. Okay, don’t freak out. You’re fine. You’re cool. You’re chic. Somebody out there loves you. Wait, it’s 1 a.m. and he didn’t show up? Great. What a letdown. I spent two hours getting ready for this possible run-in and it was for nothing I wish we could’ve seen each other. I mean, I don’t. But I do.
Why did I pick window seat? Sure, the scenery looks chic but if I need to go pee or something I have to alert these two strangers who are sleeping and make them get up for me. I’m trapped! Oh, you know what I should do? Not drink anything so I don’t have to pee the entire flight. But wait, what if the plane goes down and I piss my pants because I didn’t go to the bathroom? Well, I guess it won’t matter because I’ll be dead. Can you feel anxiety when you’re dead?
9. Your mind
Your mind is like a giant outdoor music festival filled with dentists who are holding drills and you keep running into old best friends from middle school and running out of things to say and, oh my god, is that your ex over there? Why are there giant families huddled in a food court? YOU’RE TRAPPED. AND EVERYONE HERE IS RICH.