1. Annoying club promoter/potential prostitute
Remember when you were 21 years old and going to douchey clubs with weird names like Moscow and Safari Rain? They were always terrible but you didn’t have a point of reference so you just went and had a “sort of” fun time. After doing this for a little while, your Facebook inevitably became inundated with friend requests from nightlife promoters and you approved them because, why not, it doesn’t hurt to know when exciting things are going on, right?! WRONG. YOU JUST MADE A BIG MISTAKE, BUDDY. THE BIGGEST. Because now you get invited to awful events in cities you don’t even live in anymore by people named Carla Suzuki and Dr. Juan Jon. FYI: Carla may or may not moonlight as a prostitute and Dr. Juan Jon definitely didn’t go to med school. Unfriend these terrifying club promoters immediately. You are never going to go to their parties and their event invitations literally hurt your eyes.
2. Your ex’s siblings
Look, if you want to be friends with your ex on Facebook, that’s your prerogative. Have fun digging that digital blade into your wrist every day, babe. But, for the love of god, you don’t need to remain Facebook friends with their siblings. You don’t need to know that the sister of the boy who broke your heart just ate a delicious taco. You don’t need to see your ex popping up in their photo albums on a family vacation. It’s too much for your scrambled eggs of a brain to handle. Just delete. Or, if you’re worried that unfriending them makes you look like a heartbroken crazy person — which I guess it kind of does — just remove them from your newsfeed. That’s the polite way of saying, “I don’t give a shit about you” in 2012.
3. Anyone who’s voting for Mitt Romney
I mean, what an easy way to shed some excess weight on your Facebook friends list, am I right? If someone is voting for Mitt, you can safely assume that they also want to overturn Roe V. Wade and that they hate gay people. Look, I know that Mitt Romney supporters are good for the lulz and make you feel like an overall superior person but they’re also chipping away at your faith in humanity. It’s not healthy to hate-lurk. Delete.
4. Your mom’s friend
My mom’s old best friend, who I was kind of/ sort of close to growing up, friended me on Facebook a few years ago and I reluctantly approved the request. I have a strict “No adults” policy on my Facebook (when you’re posting articles about anal sex and drugs as much as I am, you get to be a little paranoid) but I said yes to her anyway because I didn’t want to seem like an asshole and I remembered her as being a “cool mom” when I was younger. My memory proved to be shoddy, however, because within days of friending her, she started writing “shame….” whenever I posted a status update about boys or drinking. Eventually, she graduated from condemning me on my status updates to posting on my actual Facebook wall. It always said the same thing — “SHAME!” — and finally I messaged her to be like “Why are you shaming me?” and she responded, “rye rye, u were always my sweet boy what happened to you?” I felt like Natalie Portman in Black Swan and wanted to hiss back at her, “SHE’S GONE!” but I didn’t. Instead, I wrote a diplomatic response back and thought that would be the end of it. It wasn’t though. She still continued to troll my page with her judgments. I eventually had to unfriend her, which I felt bad about it because she was old and, according to her Facebook, going through chemo.
5. Your friend’s mom
Just avoid all flavors of Mom on Facebook, k?
6. Your friend’s pet
I LOVE your dog but I don’t need to see photos of it licking its own butthole on my newsfeed.
7. That person who makes you feel super inadequate
Everyone has that person on their Facebook friends list who they kind of wish they could be. Maybe you just find them to be super beautiful or maybe they have your dream job or dream relationship. Whatever it is, lurking their page makes you feel like a worthless loser, and you regret clicking on it every single time. If someone’s Facebook page is causing you actual grief, maybe you should just remove the temptation and unfriend them. Yeah, it might make you look crazy if this person finds out about it but you’re crazy right now for letting something as silly as a stupid website hurt your feelings.