19 Things You Shouldn’t Do If You Want People To Think That You’re Straight
1. Go to a hair salon carrying a picture of Lil’ Kim with bleached blonde hair and tell your hairstylist, “I want to look like that.”
2. Dye your hair parakeet orange with hints of “crimson glow” like Angela Chase.
3. Date a girl with scoliosis and excruciating amounts of leg hair in middle school. (You might as well have just came out and dated a dude.)
4. Tell people that your favorite movie is The Virgin Suicides and that you’re in “love” with Lux Lisbon.
5. Explain to your friends that your type of girl is “quirky indie” like Parker Posey and Chloe Sevigny.
6. Listen to Billie Holiday… on vinyl.
7. Join your high school’s gay club and identify yourself as being a straight ally.
8. Have a gay uncle.
9. Develop a close friendship with a straight guy in middle school and start screaming at him if he forgets to call you back one night.
10. Buy issues of Nylon.
11. Tell your friends that you aren’t ready to kiss a girl yet because it’s a lot to handle emotionally and you don’t want to rush into anything.
12. Have Blockbuster call your house and inform your mom that Queer As Folk: Season 1 is overdue.
13. When your name is taken at role call, respond, “Present… thank youuuuuuu.”
14. Look at gay porn on the shared family computer.
15. Own all of Britney Spears’ CD’s but tell your friends it’s because she’s so hot and that’s why you know all the lyrics/dance moves.
16. Take all of your straight guy friends to go see Great Expectations in the theaters. You tell them it’s for the Gwyneth Paltrow nude scenes but it’s really because YOU’RE GAY.
17. Have your girlfriends’ color your nails in with highlighter during class.
18. Have people describe you as “bitchy” at the tender age of 12.
19. Tell people you’re going to be a writer.
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Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.