12 Signs That You Need To Get Laid

Nov. 15, 2012

1. Your full size bed is filled with magazines, your computer, and crumbs. Basically everything but a warm human body. No matter how hard you try or what technological advances are made, you will never be able to spoon with your laptop. Give it up. Also, you haven’t washed your sheets in a month because you figure there’s no point. No one else is having to lie in your filth so who cares?

2. The last time you had sex, Rebecca Black’s “Friday” was the “Call Me Maybe.”

3. Your body tenses up when someone accidentally brushes past you on the subway. OMG, human touch. Hon? Come back! What’s your sign?!

4. You’re starting to get attracted to anyone with a pulse. “I really don’t know why everyone talks shit about Danny Devito’s appearance. Like, I think he’s kind of hot in this weird, adorable way. The Penguin was kinky!”

5. You vacillate between having the sex drive of a 15-year-old boy and a 50-something woman going through menopause. One day you think you’re going to explode with sexual frustration and the next you’re thinking of prescribing Paxil/Viagra to your penis so it can get out of this slump.

6. You start to honestly miss the person you dated in high school. “Maybe I really did love them,” you think to yourself while lying in bed next to a jar of Nutella — your hot date for the night. “I know we only dated for three months when we were 16 but I remember it feeling special. Should I call them right now? Oh, I forgot, they’re married with kids. Oops.”

7. You are beginning to believe that you’re hideous and no one is going to ever touch you again. You can’t even fathom that you actually used to have an active sex life. Who was that person and where did they go? You need to watch How Stella Got Her Groove Back for pointers.

8. You’re drinking. And eating. And drinking. And eating. Your rationale for displaying such excessive behavior is “If no one’s going to see my naked body again, why not have some fun and destroy it?”

9. If you’re a straight girl, you start to seriously consider becoming a lesbian. FYI though, you can’t just “become” a lesbian. You don’t wake up one day with a sudden taste for vagina. It’s not like developing a taste for mushrooms, olives, or blue cheese. IT’S PUSSY. IT’S EMOTIONS. It’s The L Word!

10. You forget what sex is actually like. Should you ask one of your friends? You’ve had sex before but your memory is spotty. You just recall a bunch of smacking sounds and grunting and then eating thai food afterwards.

11. Your orgasms from masturbating are becoming weak and depressing. Is it possible to fake an orgasm while jacking off? Don’t stick around to find out!

12. YOU ARE STRESSED OUT. WHY ARE YOU SO STRESSED OUT? OMG, WORK IS SO STRESSFUL AND BREATHING IS SO STRESSFUL. YOU NEED A MASSAGE OR AN ENTIRE PUMPKIN PIE TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF. OR, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE… YOU NEED TO GET FUCKED. TC Mark

image – beverlyislike

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