October 9, 2012

Things We Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Talk About Anymore

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What is the issue?

Weather

“Isn’t it weird when the weather is cold and then it’s hot and that it’s been this way forever?”

Hanging Out

“OMG, WHEN ARE WE GOING TO HANG OUT?” Um, probably never? If you have to ask, it probably means you aren’t that close with the person. Here’s the deal with a lot of post grad lifestyles: you work nonstop and on the rare occasion that you’re free, you just want to hang out with your best friend, your BF/GF and/or your DVR. It’s weird, it’s #dark, but it’s real. All of a sudden you find yourself with no time to invest in your second-tier friendships and you feel like a giant asshole about it.

Dreams

“I have to tell you about this crazy dream I had last night! So I was in this weird forest with CHARLIE of all people and we were trying to get this potion or something and then Samantha randomly showed up, which was totally strange, like why am I dreaming about Samantha? I don’t even know her! And — wait. Hello? Are you there?”

Discovering That You Have Mutual Friends

When people realize that they have mutual friends in common, they lose their minds. “Oh my god, how do YOU know Jessica? SHUT UP. I’m texting her right now and telling her that I’m with you. This is crazy. The world is so small!” When we will stop being so surprised that people with similar interests occupy the same social circles?

On “Having It All”

Although the definition may vary from woman to woman, the answer is still yes, women can “have it all” and then some! Class dismissed.

Whether You’re Skinny Or Fat

I would never tell a fat person that they actually look fat. That being said, I’m also getting tired of telling my skinny friends that they are, in fact, not overweight. Just stop talking to me about your body altogether, okay? If you want an honest opinion, ask a 6-year-old.

Analyzing Your Crush’s Text Messages

Analyzing text messages with your friends, while often hilarious and a great way to pass the time, is pointless. Your friends aren’t psychic; they weren’t with you on your date. You actually know more than they do, so don’t put the entire fate of your potential relationship into the hands of your best friend Cynthia. Chances are she’ll tell you to do something stupid like text back “k.”

Money

You’re not allowed to talk about money. Sorry. Don’t ask someone how much they pay for their rent. Don’t ask someone how they afford to live. You know the answer already. As far as I know, the only money tree that exists is at your parents house. (IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.)

Summer Camp

My only exposure to summer camp was the one featured on Disney’s Bug Juice. Other people, however, grew up spending almost every summer at camp and now, at 25 years old, they still can’t stop reminiscing about the good times. Please stop. No one cares. The camp doesn’t even care. The camp is over your shit. TC Mark

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