I may’ve been unattractive in high school but at least I was smart about hiding it. While everyone else was running around with the new Canon camera that their parents bought them for Christmas, I was hiding in the bushes and clutching my Polaroid camera for dear life. I would never allow my flawed visage to be seen in the harsh digital light. Instead, I opted for the Polaroid because it was kinder, softer, hazier. The film was so crappy it couldn’t even capture my severe cystic acne or flared Abercrombie & Fitch girl jeans and for that, I was forever thankful. Since Polaroid film has now for the most part ceased production, people have turned to Instagram as a way to mask their physical imperfections. Seriously, have you ever seen a person look bad in an Instagram picture? It’s like the photo version of having beer goggles. All of a sudden, you’re the hotter version of yourself, which can be weird because then you’re just competing with your face as it appears on Instagram. Go to a gym and tell your trainer, “I just want to look like how I do in Instagram pictures, Is that possible?”
2. The arm trick
Okay, so I didn’t know this but apparently all girls hate their arms. It doesn’t matter if they’re 90 pounds or 900 pounds, the general consensus of the female population is that their arms HAVE GOT TO GO. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone shopping with girls and directed them to something pretty and they say, “It’s cute but I can’t wear it because it shows off my arms.” WTF? I’ve seen you wear things that practically show off your VAGINA but you draw the line at arm exposure? Ugh. Because of this hatred, a lot of my female friends do this trick in pictures where they pull their arms back in a “casual” way so it looks like all they have are shoulders. This “trick” may effectively obscure your arms but it also inadvertently makes you look like an amputee victim. Having arms amputated > having fat arms.
3. Take their glasses off
Oops, is this just something I do? Here’s the truth, kids: I’m blinder than a bat. Like I can pretty much guarantee a bat has better vision than me. So whenever you see me in a photo with my glasses off, it’s not because I’m wearing my contacts. It’s because I know I look better au naturale and want to look good for the cam! Yes, my vanity trumps my desire to see things. Once I walked down Rodeo Drive in the middle of the day wanting to look chic sans glasses and I ended up eating shit in front of La Scala. It was profoundly embarrassing but, look, there’s a reason why I do this. I’ve had many instances in which strangers have told me that I’m cuter with my glasses off. One time, this mean old queen at Soho House, whom I didn’t know, stomped up to me and snapped, “Take off your glasses!” Shocked and acting on pure instinct, I did as told, and he said to me, “You need to get contacts. You’re hot without glasses and look freakish with them on.” And then he walked away, leaving my self-esteem in a puddle at Lens Crafters. Listen bitch, I would get eye contacts but I have one and a half hands. I can’t even tie my shoes, let alone put a foreign object in my eye, so step off!
4. Take a picture with someone who’s not as attractive as you
Duh. People have been doing this even before cameras were invented. Why do you think there are so many old portraits hanging in museums of socialites and their ugly dogs?
5. Avoid any pictures of them laying down
If you’re laying down and someone is taking a picture of you from above, there’s a 99% chance the camera will add two chins.