10 Things No One Tells You About Sex

Oct. 9, 2012

1. It is possible to occasionally sleep with your friend without it turning into some big ol’ thing. Why is there such intense debate about this? Why did Hollywood have to poop out two identical movies that explore this STRANGE and TWISTED phenomenon known as, “friends with benefits”? “OMG,” a fearful woman screams. “Is it true? Can you REALLY sleep with someone and not want to have 10,000 of their babies afterwards?” Yes. Friend sex is tricky but it can work on a case by case basis. I would just advise that the person you’re boning not be your best friend and that you only have sex sporadically. There. Bingo. Now you can sleep with most of your friends!

2. Sex isn’t always hot. Sometimes it’s sad and sometimes it’s angry and sometimes it’s embarrassing. Sex comes in a variety of flavors and “hot porn sex” is just one of the things that’s on the menu. To be honest, messy sex is often more interesting than garden-variety porn sex. It’s easy to emulate what you’ve seen on TV. The real challenge comes from making sex personal and uNiQuE to the individual.

3. Sometimes you will feel overwhelmed with emotion and want to cry during sex. That’s okay. You’re not crazy. There’s just a dick inside of you. We’ve all been there.

4. There are certain sexual experiences that leave a nasty mark and, in most cases, the mark doesn’t go away until you sleep with someone else. The best cure for a bad sexual experience is a good one.

5. People don’t always get more interesting when their clothes are off. They don’t magically become nicer or more understanding. Sometimes a person is actually the worst version of themselves when they’re naked.

6. More people would like to have sex with you than you might think. If you’re ever in doubt, you should just assume that someone would be okay with seeing you naked.

7. While it can be good to take a break from sex, don’t be gone too long. Otherwise, you risk becoming legitimately terrified of sex. The thought of experiencing that kind of intimacy with someone is, all of a sudden, totally bone-chilling and you can’t remember how you ever did it. And that, my friends, is how six months of celibacy can quickly turn into two years.

8. Sex is the reason why you’re taking a cab to this douchebag’s apartment at 4 a.m. Sex is the reason why you bought those $200 jeans. Sex is the reason why you ordered a salad instead of a burger. Sex is the reason why you’re still dating this person, even though you know you’ll never be able to love them. See that? Therein lies the difference between sex and love. Sex drags things out that should’ve been dead a long time ago. Love, on the other hand, kills everything quickly.

9. It is possible to have really good sex with someone, love who they are, get along with them during daylight hours, and still never want to date them.

10. The person you lost your virginity to won’t always mean something to you. And that’s fine. They really don’t need to matter. Their one job is to make you not a virgin anymore and then send you on your merry way. TC Mark

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