1. Text them “What are u up to?” on a Friday or a Saturday night. Um, don’t you understand?! They can’t start a dialogue with you about making plans because then they’d have to commit to it! They’d have to actually show up to a certain place at a certain time and make conversation with you. I mean, do you know much that’s asking of them? Besides, they’re probably already mulling over three different possible options and going to cancel on all of them anyway to just lay in bed and eat nachos.
Honorable mention: Call them on the phone. DON’T YOU EVEN DARE, YOU FREAKING SICK PSYCHO…
2. Ask to borrow their clothes. This never ends well, does it? The person who borrows never ends up returning it and then it just becomes this awful elephant in the room. You don’t want to seem Tom Petty by asking her, “Oh, you know that Forever 21 dress you borrowed from me 48 days ago? Can I get it back?” Because then it makes things awkward and weird. You just have to face the fact that you’re never going to get it back and because of this, 10% of your mind/body will hate this friend forever. Your friend’s closet is where your clothes go TO DIE.
Honorable mention: Ask your friend to lend you money. Haven’t you seen an episode of Judge Judy before?
3. Have Tumblr/Twitter/Facebook temporarily go down. In those brief terrifying moments, you feel your soul become void and realize just how addicted you are to this powerful trifecta of the internet. Yes, you are pathetic for pressing “Refresh” for thirty minutes until you develop carpal tunnel but so is everyone else. Strength in numbers, sweetie!
Honorable mention: Slow loading times for your favorite porn site. What is this, the 90s? “I’m almost there! Oh, shoot, not again! Back to square one…”
4. Have your friend sit alone in a bar for 20 minutes until you show up. This will terrify them. The second they get to the bar, they’ll do a quick scan of the room and realize you’re nowhere in sight. So, uh, what do they do? I guess they could sit… at the bar. Yes, yes, that’s what they’ll do! They feverishly text you so no one can approach them. If someone did, they’d just show them their phone and hiss, “Excuse me, I’m on a date right now!”
Honorable mention: Tell them to meet you at a house party where they don’t know anyone and conveniently fail to show up.
5. Hang out with your best friend’s other best friend and take Instagram pictures of the two of you having a blast. Ouch. Way harsh, Tai!
Honorable mention: Hang out with your best friend and their other best friend and reference a time you hung out together that your best friend wasn’t included in. “Wait, when did you guys go bungee jumping together? WTF?”
6. Unfollow them on Twitter. Unfollowing loosely translates to “I hate your brain and the thoughts that come out of it. Seeing your tweets makes my insides die a little bit more each day. See you at the next party though!”
Honorable mention: Like this Facebook status made by a frenemy: “Had a really hard day today. I’ve been so depressed lately. Does it ever get any better?
7. Tell your friends you’re voting for Mitt Romney.
Honorable mention: Tell them you’re not voting at all.
8. Tell your crush how you REALLY feel about them.
Honorable mention: Stand in front of their window and play the clarinet with a haunted expression on your face.
9. Make it to happy hour four minutes before it ends. “I’d like four vodkas soda please. Uh, they’re for my three friends who are… all in the bathroom right now.”
Honorable mention: Enter a house party and proudly proclaim, “I brought the H y’all! Now who’s got the syringes?”
10. Look at your bank balance.
Honorable mention: Have your friend accidentally see your bank balance on the ATM.