Gallery Girls Is A Trainwreck I Can’t Stop Watching
Last night, the Girls of the Gallery left their natural habitat and traveled to the wilds of Miami for some fun in the sun and, I guess, work! You see, Art Basel, a VERY IMPORTANT art convention, was happening there and since all of the girls on this show are somehow involved in art, they just had to go! (Seriously though, did you notice how none of them actually had anything to do there? I can just imagine the Bravo producers being like, “So are you guys going to Art Basel this year?’ and all of the girls responding, “What? Is that like in Queens or something?”) Once they got to Miami, their smiles deflated when they realized that their skin was burning from all of the exposure to direct sunlight. Within a few minutes, the Brooklyn girls just began to melt on the beach. And Chantal, poor Chantal, well, she died. Reduced to a mound of ashes (with a wilted veil sitting on top of it) on a beach somewhere in Miami. So sad. I haven’t been so sad about a person’s death since, like, Osama Bin Laden. But more on that later. Let’s see what the other girls were up to this week.
Okay, so I’m torn about Liz. Sometimes I really do empathize with her Poor Little Rich Girl vibe but then she’ll do something deplorable like make fun of the Asians at her school and I can’t even be bothered with any of her bullshit. Ugh, I’m conflicted. People are so complex! They have so many layers! They can be racist AND have genuine feelings too! This week, Liz went to Miami and saw her dad’s art collection, which was open to the public for Art Basel. Um, was anyone else shocked by the sheer volume of work her father had collected? It was bigger than most art museums. The whole thing must’ve been worth millions and millions of dollars which means that Liz comes from real $$$, honey. Unfortunately for her though, money can’t buy a father who gives a flying fuck about you. Liz sulked around her father’s art collection doing cartwheels and handstands to get his attention but he wasn’t having any of it. So she just retreated into the darkness, clutching her worn out copy of Little Girl Lost by Drew Barrymore.
Watching Amy gets harder and harder each week (and not just because the camera likes to do unflattering closeups on her face). She started the episode off by getting fired from her internship. The official reason was that Sharon, her boss, had found out that she’d been delegating work to Kerri but let’s be real here. Sharon probably just couldn’t stand her. One night, I bet Amy scaled the walls of Sharon’s townhouse and knocked on her bedroom window while Sharon was sitting down at her bedroom mirror and applying her nightly La Mer eye cream. She screamed when she heard the knock and looked over to see Amy descending from the dark night with a giant Joker-esque smile smacked across her face. Sharon opened the window and hissed, “Amy, what the hell are you doing at my home? This is very inappropriate!” Amy responded, “I was just in the neighborhood and thought you might want some cupcakes. I didn’t know which ones were your favorite though so I just bought the whole store!” Sharon looked down on the street and saw approximately 5,000 cupcakes staring back up at her. “Is this an Ambien hallucination?” Sharon asked, her knees beginning to buckle and give out. “No. It’s Amy! Remember me? Touch my face. I’m real…” Sharon then collapses on the floor as Amy continues to hover over her. “Are you okay? Sharon? I love your nightgown. You look so gorgeous when you’re unconscious…”
Nothing really happened with Maggie this week. To be fair, nothing ever happens with her but this week she literally just didn’t get any screen time. Maggie, come back to me. I want to see you try to make a facial expression. I love it when you emote, babe!
Chantal really delivered this week. After spending some time fading into the background, she finally came back to us in a real psycho way and brought the goods. In what was perhaps the strangest scene of the season so far, Claudia goes to Chantal at End Of Century to discuss the possibility of doing a pop-up store while they’re at Art Basel. Because that makes sense, you know! They run a gallery and they’re going to an art festival. Might as well try to sell some pieces, right? But Chantal freaked the hell out. It was as if Claudia suggested to her that they kill some toddlers and sell their dead bodies in South Beach. Her reaction was so bizarre. Then things got even stranger when Chantal, resident ice queen, started to cry. Seriously. She just started weeping at the mere thought of actually having to do work while at Art Basel. My jaw was dropped to the floor. Claudia was like, “Uh, why are you crying?” and Chantal snapped, “Maybe you should get off the Adderall or something!” Ouch. Bringing up prescription pill abuse in front of the Bravo cameras is not very nice, Chantal. Feeling humiliated, Claudia immediately stormed out after the Adderall comment and probably spent the next 20 minutes crying in front of Opening Ceremony.
Um, well, that was basically it for Claudia this episode. She wore a really dumb hat in Miami. Seriously, it was hideous.
Angela didn’t really do anything this week besides wear a #NotClearOn turban out in public. Her and Liz have become friends, despite their battling zip codes, which I’m kind of obsessed with. What the hell do those two talk about? Their vaginas? Coke? ART?
A | A | A
It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.