6 Things We Have To Stop Doing During Sex
OK, who is still pretending that they like to 69 with their partner? Because I would really like to meet them and say, “Can you stop? Sexual novices everywhere are 69ing because they heard somewhere that it was DARING, KINKY, COOL and it’s not!” 69ing is your own personal private hell. Imagine if that’s what you had to do after you died? Your afterlife was trying to go down on someone while they’re going down on you. Basically you’d spend an infinite amount of time with a person’s ass AND genitalia in your face. By the way, how is that physically possible? Seriously, how is it that every time you 69 with someone, all of their no-no areas end up in your face, front and back?! Is there secretly a third party trying to catch a free ride here? I’ve asked MANY people about their thoughts re: 69ing and it’s unanimous: they hate it. It’s too distracting and they only did it when they first started having sex because, I don’t know, Sex and the City told them to? The only way I could conceive of 69ing being fun is if you railed a bunch of Adderall and could really focus in on the task at hand. Otherwise, just no.
You never forget the first pair of balls you’ve sucked on. Maybe the second, maybe the third, but never the first. You’d think that since I have balls myself, I’d have some advantage to the act of teabagging but no babe. Just like you, I’m #NotClearOn teabagging! Okay, so when I first sucked on someone’s balls, I expected it to make my partner convulse in ecstasy because, hello, I’m putting their balls in my mouth. The dirtier a sex act is, the better it should feel, right? Like I’m not sucking on these balls for health reasons. I’m doing it so you can lose your damn mind in pleasure. But, really, teabagging kind of feels like… nothing. When I had it done to me, I was just like, “I don’t feel anything.” Finally, I asked my dude, “Do you like it when I suck on your balls?” And he was like, “Honestly, it doesn’t really do much for me…” Ah, honesty! I love it! We never teabagged again after that. I mean sure, we played around with each other’s balls because that does feel good but there was no insertion. I’ve asked other dudes if they like to teabag it and then they say to me, in quiet shame, “Nah. It’s kind of a big ol’ nothing.” So there you have it. Communication! (But, also, I would like to know if anyone sincerely does love it. Maybe my balls just haven’t met the right mouth, yet?)
When a handjob is good, it’s fantastic but usually they’re just stressful and give you premature carpal tunnel. Giving a handjob by itself is like someone putting a spotlight on your soul/hand-eye coordination. Like, great for you if you excel but most people could do a better job jacking themselves off. So can we just agree that handjobs shouldn’t be attempted unless you’re sleeping with a tennis star? Thanks, hon!
4. Dirty talk
Dirty talk is a privilege, not a right. I’ve had some AMAZING dirty talk moments but I’ve also had some that made my penis become suicidal. If you want to dirty talk, do your research. Go to school, major in it, get a degree, and then attempt it. Don’t just start spitting gross words in someone’s ear that seems hot. Read the situation. Figure out what will be sexy instead of LOL, are you kidding me?
5. Pretending you don’t like it when a finger is in your butt
You like it. (I’m looking at you, straight guys.)
6. Push someone’s head further down during oral sex
Don’t screw with my gag reflexes. Do you want me to puke on your penis? Because I will.
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I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.