5 Vaginas I Wouldn’t Mind Touching
Let’s get one thing gay here, you guys. I’m only into dudes. Unlike a lot of other homos I know, I never took a detour to the land of vaginas while on my way to dick town. I didn’t need to poke around some poor girl’s lady parts in order to realize what I wanted had been right in front of me since the day I was born: a penis.
That being said, even I, a committed homosexual, can wake up from a dick fugue and acknowledge that women are beautiful — way more beautiful than men, in fact — because they smell nice and don’t come all over you when you least expect it. Plus they have boobs. As humans, we have no choice but to adore boobs. Blame our moms for that one, I guess!
The other day, one of my favorite lesbians, no, HUMANS, over at Vice wrote a post about all the penises she’d like to touch, despite being a woman lover, and I thought, “Why not do a list of my own?” So, without further ado, here’s a list of vaginas I would like to think that I wouldn’t scream at if I saw them.
1. Parker Posey
Yeah, yeah, of course a gay guy would choose Parker Posey’s vagina to play around with. It’s the most homosexual one in town! Even though Parker Posey is gorgeous and most likely has no issues attracting straight men, there’s something about her that’s so comforting and, well, gay. I feel like if you were really going to go deep into Parker, you would just find a bunch of hydrangeas and orange blossoms and maybe iced tea. She’s a great starter vagina. At the end of the day though, I just adore her so much that I would do anything to hang out with her. Anything.
2. Kat Dennings
Kat Dennings has an amazing body. It’s shaped like an hourglass on steroids and I’m so glad we’re able to see it every week on 2 Broke Girls. It’s so refreshing from the usual sticks and bones we see galavanting around on our television screens. Plus, Kat sounds like she’s actually cool in real life, which helps matters if I’m actually going to be having a hetero moment with her. Tell me funny jokes, Kat. Talk to me about how much you hate/love Pinkberry. I don’t care, just do anything to distract me from this horribly unrealistic hypothetical situation in which I’m touching your vagina!
3. Denise Richards
The threesome scene between Neve Campbell, Denise Richards, and Matt Dillon in Wild Things carries the distinction of being the only semi-straight thing to ever turn me on. When I was in the closet, I would only let myself get off to that scene because it convinced me that I was straight. “Gay guys don’t get turned on by Denise Richards’ boobs, okay?!” Well, as it turns out, they kind of do. I don’t think it’s the sight of Denise Richards being naked that makes my penis wake up from a coma so much as it is just three attractive people doing it (Okay, two people. Neve Campbell looked like a trash bag in that movie) but, still, there’s something about Denise Richards in the late 90s that makes me feel like maybe things could’ve gone the other way for me.
4. My friend Eva
Okay, so when I’m friends with a really hot girl, I’m not going to slobber all over her and be like, “OMG, if I were straight, I’d be so into you!” because ew! I hate it when girls come up to me and say, “If only you were straight…” so why would I do the gay boy equivalent of that? That being said, there’s something about my friend Eva. I’ve known her since high school and I’ve watched every person she comes into contact with just fall in love with her. It’s like she really does have Love Potion No. 9. The character of Mary in There’s Something About Mary was undoubtedly inspired by her. Besides being very pretty, there’s something about her aura (yes, I’m bringing up auras. Just go with it…) that’s intoxicating. You just can’t get enough! (Eva, if you’re reading this, don’t be scared. I really don’t want to touch your vagina. I mean, if you, like, want me to and we’re really drunk and it feels right, I could be persuaded but otherwise, no way! That’s sick!)
5. Drew Barrymore in Poison Ivy
I love Drew Barrymore. I feel like people don’t acknowledge her awesomeness enough. Here’s an actress who made Lindsay Lohan look like a Jehovah’s Witness when she was younger and then, boom, she somehow cleaned up her act and graced us with mediocre rom-coms! Aesthetically, I loved Drew Barrymore most during the Mad Love, Boys On The Side, and Poison Ivy phase of her career. She was the ultimate 90s babe. Poison Ivy, especially, is just so sexy, even though the plot is kind of weird. Sara Gilbert plays this chick who’s sort of in love with Drew Barrymore’s femme fatale character but Drew Barrymore’s like, “No, I don’t like you. I’m into your hot dad!” and Sara Gilbert’s like, “Please don’t sleep with my hot dad!” and Drew Barrymore’s like, “Too bad. I already did!” and Sara Gilbert’s like, “Oh.” Honestly, the sex scene between Drew Barrymore and the hot dad is sexy. They do it on the hood of a car in the middle of a rainstorm.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”