15 Facebook Status Updates That Make Me Lose Faith In Humanity
1. “Sweet potato fries at Burger King they’re not that great!! Love sweet potato fries what a big disappointment!!!! Guess that’s what you get with food….”
2.”are you getting a reallly bad lag on your facebook and farmville? i am its terrible :(“
3. “I just got the proofs of mine and Adam’s engagement photos. If anyone wants to see them, like/comment on this status, and i will tell you how, since i cant get them off of the company website. i hope to see a lot of comment/likes here :)”
4. “people being too fat to execute??? are you kidding me? people are on death row, take them in the yard and shoot them! they are going to die so who cares if there are going to problems while killing them. who cares if they suffer a bit. they did something either so horrible or multiple times in order to get the death sentence so who cares if they suffer a little bit! i am sure tons are suffering from what crimes they did!”
5. “Damn you bipolar meds!”
6. “Bought my first pack of smokes for the first time in a year today. But I won’t buy a pack of balloons (AKA HEROIN) no matter how bad it gets.” (#NotClearOn discussing your heroin addiction on Facebook but, whatever, love & light…)
7. “Whoo Hoo… got on the scale, dropped another 5 lbs, being in love is so good for me!!!!” (Reading this status update made me gain 5 lbs, just FYI)
8. “U know it’s serious when she takes u to Popeyes *winky face*”
9. “My dad just forwarded me an email he got today at work about this LiveStrong Day…it was sent to him by MATTHEW FREAKIN MCCONAUGHEY!!!!!!! My dad is the COOLEST!” (YOUR DAD SOUNDS GAY)
10. “My youngest brother is now a full-time web programmer at Uhaul, my older brother is sports producer at Channel 12. And I found the love of my life and married him. We have different paths in life, and I wouldn’t change mine for anything. I love my brothers to death!!!”
11. ”One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” It truly was. RIP Neil Armstrong.” (Okay, hon. I’ll make sure to send the message right on over to Neil…)
12. “Pregaming with my bestists” (WHAT THE HELL IS BESTISTS? It sounds like an STD.)
13. “Last nite hahahahahahahaha lol. It was so funny!!!!” (REALLY BABE? WAS IT? REALLY?)
14. “I’m so sick of people not picking up da phone…and not returning emails. I guess I didn’t dropped enough fb friends last time. Well if i am not on ur list anymore u know why” (OMG, BABE, DON’T TAKE ME OFF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS LIST. WHATEVER YOU NEED ME TO DO, I’LL DO IT. I’LL REGAIN THE TRUST. JUST DON’T DELETE ME!)
15. “Today was not the light at the end of the tunnel I thought it might be. Instead, my cysts, fibroids, and irregular cycles were disregarded and putting me on the same birth control I was on at 18 will cure those problems. However, I have learned that my pelvic and abdominal muscles are strained and damaged and they would like to refer me out for PHYSICAL THERAPY. YEP you read that right. Physical therapy for my VAGINA! Really people…you have a degree to practice medicine. I am open to new methods of treatment, but I am not open to a Dr. telling me the PT will not fix or cure my cysts, fibroids, and irregular cycles, but these vagina PT specialist are certified and train in reconstructing this region. They also went on to tell me that people with abdominal pain are also depressed. Well, yes I am depressed about my situation and after having to hear how antidepressants will happy my vagina, I just started nodding because I knew there wasn’t anything I can ask or say at this point because they keep going back to the PT and the antidepressants. So, I bawled my eyes out in pain to these doctors and when it was about over I asked if they will be providing me a script for pain meds and she said, “I will give you a script of 800mg ibuprofen”. Um…did you not listen when I told you that is what I have been taking for 2 days and it has not worked. I have been a permanent resident on my couch, in my bed, and on my bathroom floor for over a week and thank you Dr. Flake for not helping improve my situation. Yes, I feel depressed. Yes, I feel crazy. Now I feel even crazier because I believed today I would be on a road of recovery and change. I don’t have my life back but I have enough sense to go for another opinion. So, I will probably have another night without sleep and with pain since I do not have anything for pain or sleep, but do have a very depressed vagina that needs some PT. There you have it folks. Nothing like a good copay and more medical bills to get someone to treat the problems.” (I STOPPED READING AT VAGINA.)
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.