Things I Can’t Believe I Ever Put In My Mouth
1. Sunny Delight
Sunny Delight (or “SunnyD” as it’s affectionately known in some regions) is an orange-flavored drink that I’m just #NotClearOn. It claims to taste like sunshine and if that’s true, then sunshine tastes like watery orange juice and global warming. When I was a kid, I used to drink this crap up. Sunny Delight was my absolute favorite and when my mom and I would go to Costco, I would make her buy the 80 pack. Looking back, I can’t believe my mom was all “whatevs” about Sunny Delight. Besides only containing 5% juice, it once made a girl turn yellow from drinking it too much.
2. Hawaiian Punch
Hawaiian Punch was another one of those #NotClearOn drinks that I used to guzzle down as a child. I don’t even really remember the taste of it but I’m sure it was atrocious. Once, on a road trip with my family, I puked in the car from drinking too much of it and vowed to never touch the stuff again. What a blessing in disguise!
Who actually eats donuts? Like, who just has a daily appointment with a donut? Oh, right. I did! I used to eat a donut every day before school because my parents were always rushing to work and didn’t have time to give us a real breakfast and I loovvvvved them. I mean, of course I did! I was, like, ten. The only things I liked to eat back then were things that deleted five years off my life span. “If it’s not going to give me early onset diabetes, I am NOT eating it.” Then, randomly one day, I just decided to stop eating donuts. I would give them up for a year and if I still liked them after that, I guess I could continue eating them. But I knew if I abstained for that long, I would have no desire to eat a donut ever again. And, sure enough, I was right. I went a whole year without them and when I ate my first one, I was like, “Ew.”
4. Otter Pops
Otter Pops look like weird vaginal discharge mixed with toxic sludge. It wishes it were as good as an ICEE but, um, it’s not. You cannot even compare.
WHAT IS UP WITH THE WEIRD THINGS WE USED TO DRINK AS A KID? Were our parents secretly trying to poison us with this crap? Tang was the most offensive out of the bunch. It was just this sick looking orange powder that you added to water and then, voila, you had liquid Adderall. Seriously though, Tang was my gateway drug. I don’t know what they put in that powder but my guess is that it was of the Breaking Bad variety.
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Well I mean first of all, it’s never a good idea to approach a hot black girl with an opening line about how much you love chocolate!
My son from the age of three always tells me about the “creeper man” who lives in my mom and dads bedroom. He brings it up after he visits them. I made the mistake once of asking what he looks like. My son said “Oh, he doesn’t have a face.”
We live in a time where media is considered obscenely trendy. By its very nature, media is meant to be trendy–a story must delivered in a timely, entertaining, and easy-to-digest fashion.
They would meet on Facebook because Sally would post (under her customized settings she created, viewable to “friends” and “friends of friends” but hidden from “work colleagues” and “environmental studies classmates” and “ex boyfriends and lovers” but still available to…