How To Be A Terrible Boyfriend
Give them hope. Bad relationships run on hope, on the possibility that it can change, that you can change. The second you sense that you’re losing them and they’re giving up on the relationship, bring them back in with a sweet gesture. They can live off that gesture for as long as six months. They can live off the hope that it’ll all get better for a long time.
Be emotionally unavailable AND possessive. My, what a lovely contradictory combo we have here! Give off confusing vibes that seem to say, “I don’t really want you but I also don’t want anyone else to have you.” That’s always a fun vibe to give off! Your significant other will confuse your possessiveness and jealous nature for actual love which works in your favor. The truth is that you’re too much of an insecure asshole to love another person but, oops, don’t tell your boo that! This relationships runs on delusions!
Only be attentive in bed when you need to be, when you’ve done something truly terrible and need to right your wrongs with them. Otherwise, be lazy, be selfish, be positively useless in the sack. Exude ice when you should be radiating warmth.
Hate their friends. See them as people who are just taking your significant other away from you and make them feel bad for spending any time with them. Guilt trips galore! Anything to keep them closer to you and not with anyone else, even if all you’re doing anyway is ignoring them.
Make them feel weird about having a career and achieving things. Again, it’s just another thing that takes them away from you! Stupid jobs! Twist things around so they always feel like they’ve disappointed you. In actuality, there is no way they can do anything right but they don’t know that! Your job is to make them feel like there is a right way, there is a way they can make you happy, but they just keep screwing it up.
Crush their spirit slowly. Not all at once. Just subtly until you’ve been together long enough and can get away with all kinds of disgusting behavior. They’re trapped now. They’re committed to your mind games. They need your lows so they can get to the highs again. You’ve become their addiction. They live for your validation.
Get them in a position that’s hard to wiggle out of. This is an established toxic relationship that both of you need now. You’ve seen the weaknesses in your significant other and exploited them for your benefit. There are so many people like this. There are so many people in this world who only know how to have terrible boyfriends, that wouldn’t know a healthy relationship if it fell into their laps, and you live for these people. They allow you to continue on this path of being wretched. They allow you to indulge in your worst qualities without consequences.
In the end, terrible boyfriends can’t exist without broken lovers. It’s a cycle that’s dependent upon two fragmented souls.
It’s a terrible man getting into a relationship with someone who thinks they’re terrible.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”