Getting Rid Of Friends You Actually Don’t Like
INT. A BUSY RESTAURANT—DAY.
AUDREY is typing on an Ultrabook and eating lunch alone when all of a sudden SAMANTHA comes barreling in through the entrance.
SAMANTHA: Oh my god, Audrey? Get out! No!
Audrey looks up and her face falls. It’s clear Samantha is the last person she wants to see right now.
AUDREY: (feigning excitement) Oh, hey babe. What are you doing here?
SAMANTHA: I come here to write my memoirs.
Samantha shoves herself down at Audrey’s table and starts to set up shop.
AUDREY: Your memoirs?
SAMANTHA: Yeah. It’s called I Am Me And Everyone Else Sucks. I’ve already written like ten pages.
AUDREY: That’s great.
SAMANTHA: So where have you been? I’ve tried calling you to hang out but I’ve gotten no response. I’m not mad or anything. I totally get you being busy. I was just wondering if you, like, died or something.
AUDREY: (unconvincingly) No, I’ve just been really swamped. I’m sorry.
Samantha looks at Audrey’s Ultrabook.
SAMANTHA: Wait, you have the Ultrabook too? Twinsies!
Samantha whips out her Ultrabook, which is bedazzled in Hello Kitty stickers.
AUDREY: Cool. Anyway, yeah, I’ve just been busy. So sorry.
SAMANTHA: Doing what? I thought you were unemployed.
AUDREY: I am but being unemployed is like its own full-time job, you know?
SAMANTHA: (suspicious) I guess….
AUDREY: Anyway, enough about me. How are YOU?
SAMANTHA: Well, as you may have already found out on Facebook, Joe and I broke up so that’s been ultra devastating for me.
AUDREY: Weren’t you guys only together for three weeks?
SAMANTHA: Actually, it was a month and a half. Yeah. You know, you can’t place too much of an emphasis on time. Some of my most intense and meaningful relationships have only lasted a few weeks.
SAMANTHA: So I’ve just been doing a lot of healing lately. I feel like I’m a snake shedding its skin. I’m just ready for my new layer, my rebirth. I already feel like I’m getting to be in a good place again.
AUDREY: (lying through her teeth) I’m so happy for you.
SAMANTHA: Thank you. That means so much coming from you. So yeah, looking back on the last month, I can see now that Joe was really toxic for me. Like sometimes, I would text him to ask what he was up to and he would take 30 minutes to respond. Can you believe that? So negative and hurtful.
AUDREY: (sarcastically) That sounds abusive.
SAMANTHA: It was! He left me with a lot of emotional scars. I didn’t even realize it until he was gone and then I was like, “Wait, I’m really beat up. Someone give me a Band-Aid, okay?” (focusing in on Audrey) So what about you? Are you still single?
AUDREY: Actually, I’ve started dating this really great guy…
Samantha plugs her ears.
AUDREY: (CONT) What are you doing?
SAMANTHA: No offense to you. It’s just painful when I hear that my friends are doing well.
SAMANTHA: You know what? Forget about it. Can we just hang out? I freaking love you, girlie.
Audrey cracks. A resolve comes over her and she decides to be brutally honest.
AUDREY: No. I can’t do this anymore. Samantha, it’s time for me to be honest. I hate your guts.
SAMANTHA: EXCUSE ME?
AUDREY: I really do. We were friends for like two months of my freshman year because I didn’t know anyone else and you’ve haunted me ever since. You’re resilient, you can never take a hint, so now I have no choice but to be real with you. I don’t want to be your friend.
SAMANTHA: You can’t say that!
AUDREY: I know, I’m breaking like 5,000 social codes right now but I don’t care. You’re a narcissistic person. A bad friend. And I would rather eat glass than have a “catch up lunch” with you and pretend that we’re friends.
Samantha is speechless.
AUDREY: (CONT.) Gosh, I just feel so much better. Like a snake shedding its skin.
Satisfied, Audrey gets up from the table and leaves.
SAMANTHA: (calls out after her): You forgot your Ultrabook! (whispers) It’s mine now…
Okay, you guys, now it’s your turn to write something! You still have until tomorrow to submit your own screenplay to the short film series and competition, Four Stories. The only guidelines are that you use the W hotel as your location and incorporate the Intel Ultrabook! The rest is all up to that big, beautiful brain of yours. If you win, you’re going be producing this film with Roman Coppola at some exotic location and everyone will be jealous of you, especially your frenemies.
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