August 10, 2012

A Complete Guide To Doing Whatever The Hell You Want

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What is the issue?

Just put it in your mouth, honey.

American culture gets off on guilt and shame, and we LOVE to deprive ourselves from anything that’s considered amazing. The line between good and evil needs to be clearly defined so we can know when we’re being a lil’ devil versus when we’re in “a really good place.” How else are we able to understand things?!

UGH.

Do you know how exhausting all of that is? Do you know how tired you’ll make yourself if you only see things in black and white? The world isn’t that way! It’s more of a “chocolate dipped” meets “rainbow sno cone” kind of color. What I’m really saying is… just eat that donut. Seriously. Just eat it. Because if you don’t, all you’ll be thinking about at work is that donut and then you’ll be distracted and do a bad job. At 6:30, you’ll go out for drinks and consume 4,000 calories in margaritas. Then, you’ll stumble home drunk and order a burrito with the rationale of, “I was good today! I abstained from eating that donut so I DESERVE a giant burrito.” See what happens when you don’t indulge? You just end up going apeshit and eating everything at 3 a.m. THE FORMULA CLEARLY ISN’T WORKING, OKAY?

Double the #YOLO: Be on a first-name basis with the people who work at the Thai restaurant near your house. They have your credit card info saved. Just dial!

Tell the person you want to have sex with that you would like to have sex with them.

Say it with me now: “I WANT YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH.” See, that wasn’t so hard, was it? People need to start being more honest with themselves about the things/people that they want. Babies don’t get made while waiting for a text message. This world has survived because of the people who were ballsy enough to be like, “Yo, let’s have sex.” If it weren’t for them, our population would crumble and WE WOULD ALL DIE. We’d all be skeletons just waiting by our phones.

Double the #YOLO: See your crush kissing someone else at a party and stomp up to them saying, “No, sorry, this [pointing at the two of them] isn’t going to work for me so I’m going to take over now.”

Feel no obligation to be social.

Whenever I flaked on my friends, I would feel terribly guilt-ridden and have to come up with some extravagant lie to cover my ass. It was exhausting and, most importantly, pointless. Instead of telling an elaborate lie, why didn’t I just tell them the truth? Eight times out of 10, the reason why I flake on someone is not because I hate them but because I’m just not in the mood to hang out. Maybe I’m feeling overwhelmed, maybe I’m tired, maybe I’m just in a rotten mood. It’s usually not personal! So now I just will tell someone “Yo, I am in a crappy mood and want to be by myself tonight!” and that’s that. You can’t argue with being in a bad mood. It feels liberating to be honest and now I have no guilt whenever I bail on plans. (Perhaps my heart has just turned cold and black though?)

Double the #YOLO: Tell someone that you didn’t text them back last night because you just didn’t want to. (LOL, I dare you. You have to be a brave lil’ toaster to commit this sin.)

Have a night out that will delete five years off of your life span.

I know drugs and drinking are POSITIVELY SINFUL and generally frowned upon in this new millennium (God, I wish we still lived in the ’60s and ’70s — a time when you were presumed to be high unless proven otherwise) but sometimes you gotta let your hair down and unleash your inner PARTY GIRL PSYCHO. I want you to be sobbing in some dirty alleyway in your party dress at 5 a.m.! I want you be to going to the bathroom with strange new men and coming out SO HAPPY AND FREE WITH A NEW STD! I want you to be making out with your cab driver at the end of the night and being like, “That’s your tip. Bye…”

Double the #YOLO: Just watch this video of Vanity Fair editor George Wayne and act accordingly.

Leave the house looking psychotic

The other day, I walked to work looking positively insane. In my fantasies, I looked like Mary-Kate Olsen after a bender but in reality I probably resembled Louis CK. To make matters more embarrassing, I was walking in boots that had holes in the sole so I was basically stumbling down the street barefoot. The whole time I was thinking, “God, if I ran into someone I know right now, I would be so mortified!” But then I had another thought. “Is a walk of shame really something to be ashamed of?” I actually think it’s the opposite. By looking disheveled and crazy, you’re basically telling the world, “I AM PERSON WHO DOES FUN, NUTTY THINGS. I AM A PERSON WHO STICKS THEIR TONGUE DOWN THE THROAT OF LIFE.” If people look at me and judge, I bet a small percentage of them is just pissed because they fell asleep to Netflix at 9:30 p.m. and wish they had a night as fun as mine!

Double the #YOLO: Have the guy at the deli ask if you’re okay. If your bodega guy is concerned, you know you’re looking rough.

Unfollow people on Twitter and write them each an email explaining why.

I’m unfollowing you because I don’t care about the places you’re DJing tonight. I’m unfollowing you because we went on a date once and you never texted me back so why should I be subjected to your daily thoughts? I’m unfollowing you because you say something dumb, by my estimate, once an hour. I’m unfollowing you because I can and it makes me feel powerful!

Double the #YOLO: If you actually did this, you wouldn’t have to do anything else. Truly. You’re done. You win the “Doing whatever the hell you want” game. Please collect your grand prize of complete and utter social alienation at the door. TC Mark

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