10 Mistakes You Make When You’re Drunk
1. Mixing different kinds of alcohol. Nothing good ever comes from mixing brown with clear, from drinking beer before liquor. If you’re really keen on getting wasted, stick to one kind of alcohol. Your body, mind, and butthole will thank you for it later.
2. Not eating before you start drinking. We’re all too familiar with this scenario, aren’t we? When you start drinking earlier than expected and just “forget” to have dinner. You think you can just consume alcohol and call it a meal, but not so fast, mister! Because by the time 4 a.m. rolls around, you’re going to be stumbling through that Taco Bell drive thru screaming “YO QUIERO DRAMA AND JEALOUSY.” You’re also going to have the hangover from HELL the next day because you didn’t give your stomach anything to soak up the alcohol.
3. Eating AFTER drinking. Listen, nothing good comes from eating at 4:30 a.m. No one in the history of the world has ever said, “OMG, I’m so glad I decided to eat an entire pizza as the sun was coming up. Seriously, you guys, I have some good ideas but that tops it. I feel so good today!” No. That person hates their life. That person is going to be pooping for the next eight hours and isn’t going to be hungry till 8 p.m. the next day. Don’t gorge yourself! Some of my worst hangovers have been triggered by late night drunk binge eating. Not only do I wake up with a headache but my stomach is reenacting the first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan, which is never a good look for me.
4. Texting. Just put down the phone and pick up your drink. You only text three people when you’re wasted: Your ex, someone you want to sleep with, and your drug dealer. All have serious consequences and will result in a gnarly shame spiral/emotional hangover the next day. You’ll wake up. scan through the texts, “where r u? i miss u. do u have coke?” and want to disappear on an island with Amelia Earhart’s bones. Ctrl + Alt + Delete your life.
5. Crying. Depending on how drunk you are, this can happen without provocation. Someone could just look at you funny and then bye bye, it’s over. “WHY DO U HATE ME? NO, I’M SERIOUS, I KNOW YOU HATE ME AND, LIKE, IT’S FINE. I JUST WANT TO KNOW.”
6. Fighting. “Why did you eat the last chip? You know I wanted it! You’ve been treating me like crap all night and I’m tired of it. Bored. Over. End of convo. No, wait, I have something else to say, I think you suck. Now the convo’s over. I’m serious…”
7. Becoming friends with someone you actually hate. Alcohol can cause you to make some unwise decisions, including getting mushy with someone you legitimately DON’T LIKE. The booze has given you the illusion that you have things in common and before you know it, you’re swapping numbers and making plans for brunch the next day. “Call me, I’m being real. No bullshit. I will see your ass at the cafe tomorrow at noon!” Um, no you won’t. You’ll just be waking up then and remembering that you made plans with the really weird girl who likes to eat her own hair. Brunch is never going to happen.
8. Sleep with a stranger. Duh. This is one of the most common snafus we make when our genitalia gets wasted. All of a sudden, we regress to being animals and aren’t satisfied until we’re rubbing our body against someone else’s. It can be ANYONE. Just check to see if they have a pulse because you aren’t wasted enough to ever be on that necrophilia tip.
9. Call your mom. “Hey Mom, I freaking love you, Mom. Mom, mom, mom, I wish you were here right now so you could rub my back and massage my scalp. No, I’m not drunk! Why would I call you if I was drunk? I’m legit so insulted right now. Wow. You think that little of me. Good to know. I’m hanging up.”
10. Have that one last drink that sets you over the edge. You know the one. You ALWAYS know the one. It’s like you can have this drink and potentially vomit on a homeless person tonight OR you could go home, watch an episode of Real Housewives, and only be mildly hungover the next day. It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure! One ends in medium bliss and the other might end in puke and tears.
If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
By Ella Ceron
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”