1. Pictures of you wasted holding a red cup
You know things are sorority girl #dark when you look at someone’s profile pictures and every single one shows them drunk, holding a generic red plastic cup or a gigantic cocktail. The captions for these photos always make jokes about their taste for alcohol. “Me n’ my one true love… LOL!” reads the caption for a photo of you cradling a bottle of Jim Beam while passed out on a couch. “My fave holiday… CINCO DE DRUNKO!” reads another on a photo of you sipping a Texas-style margarita in a festive sombrero. I mean, on a certain level, I’m obsessed with you because you’re openly admitting that you’re a total lush but overall, I just visualize you as being that guy who doesn’t know when the party is over. If Facebook pages could have theme songs, yours would be “Closing Time” by Semisonic. I’m not saying that there should never be drunk photos of you on the Internet. I just think you should consider diversifying your online identity by including photos of you sober… in the daytime… with your niece or something.
2. Admitting that you like to smoke cigarettes while pregnant
The other day, a girl from my hometown, who I was barely acquaintances with back in high school, popped up on my newsfeed with a status update that read, “Why do people give smokers an evil look? If I wish to slowly kill myself… let me be.” Okay, that’s fine. I don’t smoke but you’re right — if you want to slowly kill yourself, that’s your prerogative. I won’t judge. But things took a turn for the hilarious when her friend commented on her status update, saying, “Im right there with ya. I get even worse looks because Im pregers, so I try not to smoke when Im out and about.”
Oh. My God. Did this person just admit that she smokes while pregnant and then have the audacity to bemoan being judged for it?! Someone call Child Protective Services and take away this woman’s WiFi connection. She’s clearly not a fit mother or Internet user.
Seeing things like this get written on Facebook blows my mind. Do people forget that you’re not writing in a private diary? This is a public forum where people like me are judging people like you. It must be a combination of a lack of self-awareness and a complete lack of shame. If I were a woman who smoked while pregnant, I’d be huddling in my bathrobe in the backyard, puffing away — not writing about it on Facebook!
3. Your horoscope
Unless we share the same astrological sign, I don’t care that Venus is synching up with the sun this month, which means you’ll get a promotion at work. Your horoscope needs to go with “Talking About Your Dreams” to some deserted island where no one can see/hear them.
4. Status updates about being depressed
When I get sad, I do a few things to cope with it. 1. I go blackout shopping and come to carrying a $40 spatula. 2. I talk to my roommate about it until she opens my mouth and pours wine down my throat to stop me from speaking. And 3. I write a vague post about it on Thought Catalog. What I don’t do, however, WHAT I WILL NEVER DO, is write an emo status update and watch the sympathy roll in from near-strangers.
Example: “This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life and it’s only Monday. I know it’s a good thing we broke up but I just wanna know when it will stop hurting so bad…”
Comment from your best friend in 5th grade, who you no longer see and is pregnant with her third child: OMG, what happened girlie? Let me know if you need anything, okay? I’m here 4 u.
Comment from your aunt: Your mom just called me and told me the bad news. So sorry to hear about this break up. He seemed like a good guy when we all met him at Christmas…
Comment from your ex boyfriend: It’s hard for me too. Don’t you see that? I LOVED YOU. I WAS GOING TO MARRY YOU BUT IT HAD TO END. My heart is breaking. I’m in bed now looking at where you used to lay next to me and I want to cry. I will always love you…
Comment from you, in response to your ex: Then why did you dump me? I trusted you! I even took you to my parents’ time share in Hawaii and this is the thanks that I get? Goodbye forever…
Comment from your aunt: LEAVE HER ALONE, YOU MONSTER!
Ugh, you see? Why would you emotionally prostitute yourself like that? Take your grief offline and into your therapist’s office.
5. Pictures of you and your significant other on vacation
When I look at your vacay photos to Bora Bora, this is what I think:
This trip must’ve cost so much money. How does anyone afford anything? Do you get paid to be in love these days? Is there a secret love donor that sends young and in love couples on tropical vacations, so people like me can feel bad about themselves?
Oh great, here they are snorkeling. I hate snorkeling. Who snorkels? I feel like that’s a taste you only acquire when you’re in love, like winter sports and optimism. Single people don’t snorkel.
Look at them at dinner smiling. A million bucks says that the next photo is of their food with the caption: “YUMMMYYY!” …Would you look at that, I’m a millionaire! That sea bass looks gross.
God, they probably had so much sex on this trip. They were probably just screwing the entire time. All of these gorgeous backdrops are actually from Photobooth. They never even left the hotel room.
Now I’m hungry and horny. Guess I’ll get the single person special: Porn and Thai delivery.
6. Tagging yourself in “professional party photos”
Because nothing says “DESPERADO” quite like getting photographed by The Cobrasnake past the age of 19/the year 2005.