6 Things No One Will Ever Say To A Man
1. Men will never be asked the question, “Can you have it all?” because it’s implied that they already do. Their penis entitles them to the life cake and eating it too. They have a monopoly on “All.” They invented “All.” Meanwhile, women are constantly being led to believe that “all” is an elusive thing. They will never get it but, oh how they will try! “All, is that you, honey? C’mere. I want you.” But as Lindy West from Jezebel so eloquently puts it, “Nobody’s happy. Nobody “has it all” — not women, not men, not presidents, not heiresses, not babies, not kittens (maybe kittens). The idea that there is one homogeneous definition of “it all” that all women are supposed to desire is painfully reductive.” Even so, I would love for The Atlantic to run a story with a man on the cover and the headline, “Having It All: 1. Men: 0.”
2. Men will never be asked to cut their hair a certain way or be given tips on mastering appropriate body language in order to land a woman. Sure, there are playful pieces written about how men could stand to groom themselves every once in awhile but the tone is never, “I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOU IF YOU DON’T SHAVE YOUR BEARD BECAUSE YOU ARE DISGUSTING.” It’s more like “OMG, BABE. SHAVE YOUR BEARD, YOU LAZY BUM LOL!” Women, meanwhile, are actually expected to follow these insipid tips and if they don’t, it’s fair to assume that’s the reason why they’re still single.
3. If men had the ability to get pregnant, there would not be intense media coverage about whether or not they’re losing the baby weight. Seriously, no obsession bothers me more than this need to document a woman’s weight loss after she gives birth. And all those celebs who are just like, “Oh, I’ve just lost a lot of weight chasing the baby around and breast feeding!” are lying. They’re in that gym working their ass off like Janet Jackson before she needs to promote a record.
4. If a man is in a band, an interviewer will never ask, “So what’s it like being in a “man band”? Because, you know, you’re a man and you play instruments and stuff.” Similarly, I will never be called a boy blogger or a gentleman blogger, but my colleague, Stephanie Georgopulos, might be called a lady blogger at some point. Because, you know, she has a vagina and writes down words. It doesn’t matter what she writes about. She could be interested in things like guns and taxidermy and people would still be like, “OMG, yup, a lady blogger.” This need to attach someone’s gender to their work only makes sense in certain cases, like with the riot grrrl movement or whatever. But everywhere else, it’s just lazy, reductive and inappropriate.
5. A man will never really be called an asshole in the same way a woman is called a bitch. Tucker Max, Charlie Sheen: These men are assholes but it’s seen more as an “UGH” eye roll. When female public figures are called a bitch, it has a bite, a harder edge. In an interview with MTV Iggy, a female interviewer straight up tells the lead singer of Best Coast, Bethany Cosentino, “So, we hear you’re actually kind of a bitch.” UM, WHAT? In what way is that an okay question to ask? If Bethany were a guy and you switched “bitch” for “asshole,” it would no doubt be more of a “Ha ha, yeah I guess I can be kind of a dick sometimes. HA HA YEAH IT’S FUNNY ‘CAUSE I’M A GUY AND THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES TO MY ASSHOLE BEHAVIOR.” Charlie Sheen had a meltdown that made Lindsay Lohan’s look tame and he’s already starring in his own show again, whereas Lohan is sentenced to doing Lifetime movies indefinitely and ODing in hotel rooms in Marina Del Rey.
6. A screenwriter will never be asked to write a female version of the new Adam Sandler movie, That’s My Boy. I mean, can you even imagine that pitch meeting? “So it’s this funny comedy about a 13-year-old girl who’s seduced by her hot male teacher and gives birth to her child while her man is in prison. And it’s funny because it’s like babies raising babies and, you know, molestation and rape are HILARIOUS.” Okay, but seriously, am I the only one who’s disturbed by the premise of That’s My Boy? A pubescent middle schooler screws his hot teacher and it’s considered funny/cool because he’s a dude and it’s not really possible for men to get take advantage of sexually? Oh, yes. I get it. Ha ha. You win again, Sandler. Someone get this man his check.
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He wants it. He wants it so bad that he’s facedown on his mattress with his legs spread waiting for me to give him what he wants.
2. Everyone thinks you barely eat.
4. Not going on Spring Break.
Men are out there sleeping with tons of people but the moment a woman does the same, it is stressed that this will make her unclean and impure.