10 Reasons Why You Should Go See Magic Mike Tonight
- Move over dog food enthusiast Nomi Malone! There’s a new mentally-challenged stripper in town and his name is Magic Mike. We’ve desperately been needing some campiness in Hollywood lately and judging by the hilariously bad trailer, this movie seems to deliver in spades.
- Do you like naked oily men? Do you want to be a naked oily man? Well, then this is the movie for you! Let’s be real, the waxing and bronzer budget for this movie was probably as big as Joe Manganiello’s dick.
- You can get wasted in a dark room and no one will judge you for it. Seriously, if there ever was a movie to get drunk at, this would be the one. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were ambulances waiting out the theaters, ready to take people with alcohol poisoning to the hospital.
- There’s the possibility of seeing penis on the big screen, which is super rare. Dicks are an endangered species in movies today but thanks to Shame and Magic Mike, it looks like schlongs are making a comeback. THANK GOD.
- It’s fun to watch Channing Tatum act because he can’t. Although, who knows, he might actually be good in this one because it’s sort of his life story. Apparently homeboy used to be a male stripper before he graduated to Nicholas Sparks movies in which he helped chicks with amnesia. If that’s not the American Dream, I don’t know what is.
- Movies that are “events” are secretly fun. Standing in a long line, fighting for a good seat, feeling claustrophobic: we complain about these things but deep down we love to participate in major pop culture moments. We love to feel like we’re a part of some larger conversation — especially if that conversation involves male strippers.
- You could meet your future husband/wife. Imagine this romantic scenario: You’re trying to cut through the row and in the process you step on someone’s feet. “Ow! Watch it!” someone yells at you. You turn around and see their beautiful face. “Oh, sorry!” you smile coyly. “I didn’t see you there.” And then you have sex. And then you have a baby. And then that baby grows up and you tell them they were conceived at a viewing of Magic Mike.
- Because your boyfriend is fat and you haven’t seen a six pack in forever.
- Because you secretly want to be a male stripper but you’re too embarrassed to tell your friends. Watching Magic Mike might be the catalyst for you to go after your dreams!
- You shouldn’t need this much convincing. It’s basically Cheez-Whiz on a g-string. Go see it.
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When I was a kid, I dreamed of my mid-20s. Seriously, you remember those awkward moments of junior high, high school, and even college when you just thought, “Goddamnit, I wish I were a real adult,” right?
10. Make sure your lips are always chapped by constantly licking them and never applying chap stick.
23. Respect that there will always be a few things in the fridge that are absolutely and completely off-limits, but share a bottle of wine or a couple beers every now and again in the spirit of friendship.
Pull them closer in their sleep.