5 Terrible Things That Can Happen When You’re Drunk On The Internet
1. Online shopping
When I’m drunk, an Internet connection can be more dangerous than a cell phone because there are just so many opportunities to shame spiral. Online shopping is a particularly shameful drunk activity because it a) hurts my wallet. and b) ends with me buying the weirdest, most useless crap. And it’s not just limited to clothes and accessories either. One time, when I came home wasted, I felt so much guilt about my unhealthy lifestyle that I decided to spend $250 on a BS juice cleanse. The next morning I woke up with not only a terrible hangover but a paltry balance in my bank account, although I’m not quite sure what was worse: Being $250 poorer or realizing that I had just committed to starving myself for three days.
2. Seamless Web
After 11 PM, Seamless Web just needs to become blocked on my Internet browser. If I try to access it, Wayne Knight’s character in Jurassic Park should appear with his finger wagging, going, “Nuh-uh-uh, nuh-uh-uh.” If you looked at my order history and paid attention to the times, you would notice a steep drop in healthiness during after-hours. “2 PM: Garden salad. 1 AM: Chicken parm sandwich!” If the latter Seamless Web order could talk, it would probably say something like, “Are you sure about this, honey? You can back away and I’ll never mention this again.”
3. Facebook Chat
Facebook is the root of most of my shame, whether I’m sober or not. But when I’m drunk, things can get cringeworthy fast. I’ll go on Facebook chat — an invasive feature that’s seemingly only meant to annoy people — and talk to the most random people. “OMG, hey best friend from Kindergarten. HOW IS LIFE? I CARE SO MUCH ALL OF A SUDDEN. TELL ME EVERYTHING!” Keep in mind that when I’m sober, I look at my best friend from Kindergarten on FB chat and think to myself, “LOL, no.” But alcohol mixed with boredom erases that logical “No.” and replaces it with a “OMG, I wonder how they’re doing. We had such good times playing in the sandbox!” Waking up the next day and looking at the embarrassing chat history from the night before is one of my least favorite things on planet Earth. It’s almost enough to make me delete my Facebook. Almost…
Twitter can be a dangerous weapon if you’re wasted and should only be used if you’re of sober mind and body. Otherwise, you risk tweeting things to your ex like, “Hey, remember when you told me you would love me forever? LOL. You’re such a comedian. I’m NEVER going to #FollowFriday your lying, cheating a” Oops, you’ve ran out of room to finish your thought but you send it anyway. Then you write a follow up tweet, “Ass! Lying, cheating ass is what I meant to tweet. Screw these 140 character limits. My rage cannot be held down!” I’ve never done something that crazy but I have sent some #dark DM’s and harassed Lindsay Lohan.
STEP AWAY FROM THE GMAIL. I REPEAT, STEP AWAY FROM THE GMAIL! Nothing good ever comes from sending a late night wasted email. If you’re writing someone at 2 AM, chances are it’s either to confess your undying love or hate — both of which are fine but should be attempted at a more sober hour. The worst part is when you press “Send” and you have those three seconds to undo your mistake. You realize immediately that what you did was wrong but you can’t press “Undo” fast enough so you’re just stuck with it. If I ever get an email sent late at night, I just want to write them back, without even reading it, “Oh girl, are you sure want me to read this? I can delete it now but it’d have to be your Christmas present. Let me know!” Yeah right, though. Like I could ever not read an email sent to me during the wee hours of the morning. That stuff is pure gold.
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If you’ve gotten this far, you’re curious.
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The online commentariat trades primarily in snark, discourse’s least valuable commodity. Ostensibly, they like to feel like they’re contributing to “the conversation,” but really, they just want to feel good about themselves by putting others down.