Things I Care About More Than The Super Bowl
I care more about the weird dream you had last night than I do about the Super Bowl. No, seriously. Tell me about your weird dream. I’m dying to know! So you were being chased by an octopus at a carnival and I was there with your ex-boyfriend? Riveting stuff. I don’t know what it all means. Maybe it was a sign for you to get back together with your ex. I mean, he was there, so that’s saying a lot. God, I love it when you tell me about your weird dreams though. Never stop. They’re just so interesting and unlike any other weird dream I’ve ever heard about or experienced for myself. I would rather listen to an audio tape of all your dream descriptions than hear about or watch the Super Bowl.
I care more about the well-being of an acquaintance’s mother than I do about the Super Bowl. Which reminds me, how IS your mom? I haven’t seen her since high school graduation, which was about eight years ago, but I saw you write on your Facebook about how she developed a bad case of shingles. That’s terrible! Did they go away? I just want you to know that I was praying for her recovery. I got all of my friends to pray for her as well. How about this? Why don’t we just skip the Super Bowl and talk about your mom and her shingles? I would love nothing more than just to do that right now. Let’s have a shingles moment.
I care more about how your weekend went than I do about the Super Bowl. TELL ME EVERYTHING, GIRLFRIEND! So Saturday you ran errands all day and the lady at the post office was being a total bitch to you? Ugh, such salacious gossip! Tell me more. I simply can’t get enough. Saturday night you went to a party with Shauna, Evan, and Stephanie, and played board games? And Shauna was acting like a diva? Wow. You know I have no idea who Shauna is, right? I’ve never heard you mention this person’s name before but I LOVE how you’re pretending that I know who she is. Please provide me with no context. I’m obsessed. Actually, can we just sit here and talk about your weekend that was spent with people I don’t know? The Super Bowl is on and I don’t think I can deal with it.
I care more about the movie you’re telling me about that I’ve never seen before than I do about the Super Bowl. Oh, and this book that I HAVE TO READ. Okay, wow, yeah, that’s awesome. I’ll pick it up right now. While you’re at it, can you continue talking to me about all the things in pop culture I’m not familiar with? I can’t go on the Internet right now because the only thing people are talking about is Madonna’s vagina.
Let’s talk about how you think you’re ugly. No, wait, tell me about how you feel fat right now. It’s seriously music to my ears! My fave conversation topics! Or, better yet, let’s just discuss your weird dream last night that involved your mom, The Secret, your friend Samantha whom I’ve never met, and a crazy three-day weekend? The Super Bowl is really long and I have time to kill.
A | A | A
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
I visited synagogues all over the world—from Syosset, to Beverly Hills, and back again to Jericho. Studies were made, tests were run, I tasted the blood of a virgin Jew and even conducted my very own bris.