February 1, 2012

Ten Things I've Learned From Watching Pretentious Indie Films

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What is the issue?
  1. Pretty girls are really depressed. Like all the time. It’s a strange phenomenon and we must start giving it as much attention as humanly possible. PEOPLE ARE IGNORING THE SAD PRETTY GIRL EPIDEMIC AND IT MUST END NOW. Oh, how will we ever make them happier though? We don’t even know why they’re depressed in the first place. We just understand that they like to lie in bathtubs (even when it’s their wedding day), wear flowing dresses, and sleep on the grass, in the shower, or on a football field. It’s truly terrifying.
  2. When people joke about the Internet or make any reference to the present day, it’s very funny.
  3. If you want to let someone know that you like them, you should act mildly autistic. Instead of actually talking to your crush, pass notes back and forth. Be like, “I’m sorry. I have laryngitis!” and do a scribbly unhappy face to get sympathy. The other person will think this is endearing and decide to marry you in a cornfield while holding a ukelele.
  4. You’re not allowed to act mad or show any display of emotion that can’t be conveyed in a quirky half-smile.
  5. Are you feeling too lazy to say anything meaningful? No worries! Just play “Sea Of Love” by Cat Power and walk around a park with a sour expression on your face. It’s basically the same thing. No, wait, it’s better.
  6. Gay people are NOT a big deal. And you know what?! I’m so tired of the stereotypes. Sometimes gay guys can fall in love and behave like normal people. I know it’s a controversial idea but I don’t care because that’s what indie filmmaking is all about! To challenge these preconceived notions of sexuality. Judo chop!
  7. Everyone in the whole world is white, cultured and lives in New York or LA. Unless they’re poor. In which case, they might not be white and they probably live in a war torn country somewhere. I mean, IDK. Wait, what was the question again?
  8. Terrible things happen to good people and it’s terrible. Here’s a five minute shot of them swimming in a lake.
  9. Did you know that people live in small towns and have their own life struggles? No? Well, that’s embarrassing for you. Go watch an indie movie or something. Get cultured.
  10. Sometimes people fall out of love for no reason. Like there’s no infidelity or some evil person trying to break up the relationship. Life happens, you get older, and you just drift apart. No, I know. It’s crazy. TC mark
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