5 Things You Should Do On A Leap Day
1. Call in sick to work
A leap day only comes once every four years so why should you have to spend it at work? If you’re salaried, you should only have to work 28 days in February anyway. Just call your boss and be like “Oh, gee, it’s a leap day? Yeah, you see that’s not going to really work for me. Sorry. I mean, if you want to pay me a special leap day rate of $10,000, I would consider it briefly before turning it down. Otherwise, I’ll just see you in March, k?”
2. Have wild leap day sex
Leap day sex is supposedly better than birthday sex! It’s full of twists and turns, and if you don’t like the person you can rest easy knowing that they’ll disappear the next day. Oh, you didn’t know that? What you do on a leap day doesn’t count. The people you meet and the experiences you have today aren’t real. If you take a picture of yourself on a leap day, your face will come out looking faded like in that movie The Ring! So go nuts and suck on someone else’s nuts! When you wake up the next day, there’ll just be a chalk outline of their body on your bed. Scrawled in black ink “lEaP dAy WuZ hErE…”
3. Go to a chain restaurant and tell them that it’s your birthday
Everyone feels SO SORRY for people who have leap day birthdays. They almost become like lepers, outcasted from society as if it’s their fault their mom popped them out of her vagina on this day. Even if your birthday isn’t on a leap day, you should take advantage of people’s capacity for feeling pity and go to a chain restaurant (the kind that serves 2,000 calories on a plate drizzled with trans fats) and tell them that it’s your birthday. I guarantee the waiter will shed a solitary tear down his cheek before comping the whole meal and giving you a Brownie Lava Pity Mountain Sundae for dessert.
4. Send a drunk text
Take advantage of the “holiday” and the popularity of Paris Hilton’s latest spoken word jam by sending that Not-Very-Special Someone a drunk text. Say something like “I always get SO horny on leap days…” and press send, hoping for the best! If they don’t respond, you can always just send them the song as an explanation. Or, at the very least, an “LOL?! Honey, I was kidding! “
5. Go to the gym
I never work out but if I did, I would only go to the gym on leap days. I’d dress up in a sweatband and sweatpants with embroidery on the ass, and hit the treadmill next to some psycho who suffers from calves insecurity. Then I would proceed to tell them my life story before explaining, “I’m a FANATIC about only working out on leap days. It’s like my thing. I never miss it. I’ve worked out on every leap day my whole life. It’s just tradition and I’m such a health nut anyway so it’s not a big deal.” After breaking a sweat for 20 minutes, I’ll take a bottle of wine out of my gym bag and pour myself a glass. They still have wine glass holders on treadmills, right? I haven’t been in four years but I remember certain gyms having them. GOD, I MISS WORKING OUT!
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