Love In 365 Days
I’ll fall in love with you in the summertime. Maybe July 3rd. Does that work with your schedule? I mean, it just seems like such a good time to do it, what with the holiday and all. I’ll kiss you the day I meet you and think that I’m really setting my life in motion or something. I’ll kiss you up against a wall or on the floor or in my bed or in public. I’ll pretend I’m a teenager again and trick myself into feeling so many things! On the Fourth of July, you’ll wear a tie dye tank top on some rooftop and we’ll hold hands all day and our friends will stare at us smiling at each other like, “OMG, I’m so happy for their love!” We’ll get red, white, and wasted and watch the fireworks together.
In the fall, the weather will be getting colder but everything else will feel warm. After all, love IS a sauna! It really is. It feels super good at first, like a detox that feels like an orgasm, and then it starts to feel too hot and sticky, so you have to get out before you faint! In the fall, it will still feel like a blissed-out detox. I will know your body very well by now. It’ll start to look like a worn map with wears and tears (ew) and I’ll know exactly what buttons to push. The next step is getting to know the ins and outs of your mind but we’ll save that for the winter when we’re cold, bored, and feeling fat and unsexy.
Oh, shoot. It’s the winter already. Gosh, it sure does feel great to be loved by someone in December. All the things that could potentially make you feel lonely bring you so much joy. “You wanna play Christmas music? Go ahead ’cause I’m in love! It’s 35 degrees? Yay! I’m seeing my family in two days for two solid weeks? Bring it!” When I go home for the holidays, I’ll feel like I’m in a cocoon simply because I’m in a relationship. I’ll walk in there feeling extra confident and proudly proclaim to my family, “I’m in a stable relationship right now so you can all just breathe a giant sigh of relief. Things are going great!” I’ll miss you, I’ll live-text you my family being insane. I’ll feel solace in knowing that someone is waiting for me back in my city. There’ll be sex waiting for me the moment I land. I’ll spend the next month with you in hibernation getting to know your every thought, and sometimes it will overwhelm me and I’ll wonder if I made the right decision. I’ll go two months without seeing my best friend. You’ll swallow me whole in the winter.
In the spring, I’ll know how you like to eat your sandwiches and I’ll know how to get you mad and I’ll know how to get you off. You’ll be like a machine I know how to operate perfectly. When the weather gets warmer, it’ll feel like a love fog has lifted and I’ll be able to see clearly again. My best friend and I will talk every other day. I’ll have nights out without you. I’ll fantasize fleetingly about other people. We’ll be comfortable enough with each other to say things we’ll later regret. Sometimes the thought of loving you for another 365 days seems impossible but then other times it’s all I can ever imagine doing. I’ll think about the day when I first met you and how I felt like I had this entire person to just discover and love. Now I’ve discovered you and I’ve loved you. What now? It’s okay to ask yourself these questions. They’re totally valid. It doesn’t mean anything terrible. A relationship that’s lasted 365 days leaves you with a series of question marks and the answer to all of them is usually “I’M STICKING WITH YOU!” So you needn’t worry. Needn’t worry at all.
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Every person is unique and every person has the ability to surprise and amaze you. Your judgment shuts you down from that.
7. Find a hobby and shopping does not count.
Behold, New Yorkers hunting rats, the big brown ones, with dogs in packs (henceforth known as pakadoge).
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