We’re All Going To Die In 2012 (YAY!)
If those insane divas the Mayans are right, the world is totes gonna end in 2012, which is really… annoying. I don’t know about you guys but I was looking forward to getting a dog and a boyfriend and buying an expensive leather jacket or something. But now I can’t because the Mayans said so. Cool!
Believe it or not though, there is a silver lining to dying in less than a year. You know that super cheesy saying “LiVe EvEryDay LIKE It’s YoUr LaSt”? Well, we can actually apply that to this upcoming year without coming off like a freak who reads The Secret in their closet. That’s right. 2012 is the year to let your freak flag fly. 2012 is the year to throw caution to the wind and just do you (and anyone else you would like along the way.)
2012 is the year we don’t hold back. 2012 is the year we text people “TEXT ME BACK MOTHERF@#$ER. I know you’re there. You just tweeted something!” If the person texts back accusing you of being an insane person, just say “ Whatever hoe. We’re all gonna die in 32 daze anyway. I’m just being real!” Because, hello, we are going to die, so we might as well stop living in fear.
2012 is the year we destroy our bodies with burritos, fast food, and whatever else our tummy desires. Every time we take a calorie-filled bite of something, we’ll be able to hear our body scream, “Can you just not right now? I’m still recovering from that red velvet cupcake situation.” In this case, we need to just show our body who’s the boss and respond with something like, “Deal with it. You’re going to be vapor soon anyway.” When your body becomes startled and asks, “Um, what?!”, just stuff your mouth to dull the noise of its complaints.
2012 is the year we become super creepy to our crushes. Go up to someone you find attractive in the bar and just be like, “Hi babe! So it’s 2012, which means you and I will be dead soon. So… your place or mine? LOL. No, but seriously. I NEED TO FEEL ALIVE TONIGHT.”
2012 is the year we buy everything we want. “Just charge it! Oh, I’m in debt. Have fun trying to get me to pay it back when we’re all dead!” On second thought, if you go to hell, you might just be haunted by credit card bill collector phone calls forever.
2012 is the year we all try every drug imaginable. Even heroin! JK, you guys. Bad joke? No, the only way I would try it is if I saw the Armageddon coming right at me. Aerosmith would have to be playing “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” in the background and Liv Tyler would be required to cry somewhere looking at a screenshot of Bruce Willis’ face. Only then!
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If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
I visited synagogues all over the world—from Syosset, to Beverly Hills, and back again to Jericho. Studies were made, tests were run, I tasted the blood of a virgin Jew and even conducted my very own bris.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.