1. The person who made your life a living hell in high school
Oh, we have 55 mutual friends and you’re telling me that this is a “Person I May Know”? Screw off, Facebook. Of course I know this person. How could I forget them? They taunted me mercilessly in high school. They gave me anxiety while walking down the hallways and intimidated me with the Linkin’ Park sticker on their backpack. So, no, I wouldn’t like to befriend them on Facebook. I wanted to delete them when I was in high school so I certainly don’t want to see pictures of them now eating California Pizza Kitchen and skiing in Colorado.
2. Your ex’s new BF/GF
Sure, why not?! Why not friend this person who’s having sex with someone who once was the love of my life? Maybe I’ll even write on their wall something like this:
Hey babe! Love the new pics of u and my ex in Hawaii! Funnily enough we went there once together like five years ago and had the time of our lives! Did my ex tell you that? Did he tell you that Hawaii reminded him so much about me and, oh my god, I should probably call and say hello! Did he then break up with you?! ANSWER ME! Bye.
P.S. You’re fat.
P.P.S. Let’s get lunch.
3. Mark Zuckerberg
Why would I want to friend Mark Zuckerberg—a man who has unknowingly put me in 1,000 bad moods and caused hours of procrastination? Plus, he probably gets 500k every time I lurk his page so no thanks. Instead, I’ll add the Winklevoss twins. They’re hot.
4. The person you used to intern for
I got you coffee, I scanned 400 copies of a weird fashion pictorial, I even picked up your dry cleaning once. So no. You don’t get to be my Facebook friend. I’m sorry. I don’t need to see pictures of you lIvIn It uP at some fancy party while some poor soul is having an anxiety attack about giving you the wrong cup of coffee. But wait, can you add me on LinkedIn? Thanks so much….
5. Your mom
Mom, I live for you, I die for you. I can’t wait to see you at Christmas! But I can’t be on that Facebook tip with you. I would rather go back in your vagina for nine months and have you give birth to me again than have you post things about babies with terminal cancer on my wall. Let’s keep this relationship sacred and leave the Internet out of it. Plus, I don’t think you want to see my status updates about being horny, hungover, or being horny AND hungover, which is often the case.
6. Your grandma
Gandma?! What are YOU doing here?! Go back to your exercise class! And stop sending me chain letters! Love you though! Take your vitamins.
7. Your childhood BFF
We used to eat our boogers and play house together. Now I’m looking at pictures of you drunk holding a pitcher of beer on St. Patrick’s Day. No. I want to preserve you in my memory as the person with permanently scraped knees and an active sense of imagination. Now it appears you’re not doing much with your life besides getting drunk and eating nachos.