How To Take Care Of Yourself
Buy multivitmins at an overpriced organic grocery store and place them next to your anti-anxiety medication. “Instability, I would like you to meet Stability!” you tell the two different kinds of pills in your medicine cabinet. Start taking them every day in a futile attempt to reverse the damage you’ve done to your body. Mistake your anti-anxiety meds for a multivitamin once and spend the entire day feeling like an octopus that’s submerged in warm water. Well, I guess this is growing up.
Run yourself into the ground. Stay up late, eat crappy food, and test your body until it breaks, until it says to you, “Um, you’re going to jail for being such a bad caretaker. Have fun being bedridden for a week!”
Stock up on Emergen-C and Theraflu, and feel like an accomplished person. When you start to feel the tickle in the back of your throat, start taking them immediately. Feel like you’re being tested to see if you can take care of yourself the same way your mom and dad do. Rise to the challenge! When a friend asks you to meet up for a drink, simply hold up your Theraflu, Emergen-C and multivitamins with a defeated expression. “I would but I have all these vitamins…”
Buy fancy tonics and juices that claim to boost your immune system. Drink them with a sense of purpose and with pride while walking around your neighborhood. “Look at me, being healthy and drinking ginger juice. HAIIIII. WHO HAS THEIR S**T TOGETHER? ME.”
Ten juices and a hundred dollars later, find yourself still feeling sick and miserable. “WTF? I bought the juice. I took the vitamins. What more do you want from me, Body?!” Lay in bed. Watch movies. Tweet about how much your life sucks. Wish for a significant other. In your twenties, having a BF or a GF is the equivalent of having a mom or dad to take care of you when you’re sick. It’s their job to bring you soup and treat you like a fragile diamond. After all, it’s in the contract you make them sign when they’re wasted. “Honey, oh my god, I just love ya! Now sign on the dotted line, okay? Shhh, don’t worry about it. It’s just a little something I made that says I vow to give you oral sex every day!”
Get restless lying around the house and decide to get a Hot Toddy with a friend. “It’s good for me, okay?! Very healing!” Have one Hot Toddy turn into four and then, surprise, you’re wasted. Make out with a random at a bar but have the courtesy to tell them that you’re sick beforehand. BECAUSE YOU’RE A RESPONSIBLE PERSON.
Wake up the next morning feeling hungover and more sick. Fly into a blind rage and throw all of your medicines out in the trash. Resort to just drinking lots of water and don’t leave your apartment for anything other than work until you feel better. Wonder if you’ll ever not want your mom when you’re sick. Fail to imagine ever becoming that sense of comfort for your child. Being sick makes you feels like a failed adult, like you’ve been exposed for being an irresponsible twentysomething. “The jig is up, y’all! I have excess phlegm.”
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20. You could recite your favorite poem upon request (even if the request is yours and yours alone.)
1. Haunt her periphery Begin your seduction at an indirect angle. If she learns your true intentions too soon, the chances are good her barriers will shoot up.
French Bulldogs are my spirit animal.
2. Take the blame for farting.