1. The Salamander Kisser
When people talk about things hurting “so good,” they’re usually not referring to a make out sesh. Making out is supposed to feel like a massage with a happy ending, not war. Nonetheless, some people miss this memo and choose to use their tongue as a weapon, not an aphrodisiac. They stab you repeatedly with it, causing you to wince in pain and go straight to foreplay. Actually, you should probably put the kibosh on any foreplay. Chances are if someone doesn’t understand the fundamentals of kissing, they’ll fail at everything else. Besides, would you want someone with a salamander tongue near your private parts? I didn’t think so.
2. The Biter
Since we’re on the subject of causing unnecessary pain, let’s talk about the biter, shall we? Now don’t get me wrong, I love a little bite in my make outs. However, my face is NOT a midnight snack. It’s not a plate of mozzarella sticks at three in the morning so please back the hell up. I’ve actually never encountered a painful biter before but my friend has. He told me that, instead of actually smooching him, this guy just started straight up biting his face. Like it was kinky or something? #NotClearOn the motives of the biter but my friend was in so much pain, that he had to stop mid-make out and actually say to the dude, “Stop. You’re hurting me.”
3. The No-Tongue Kisser
Kissing with too much tongue is obviously a bad thing but so is the converse. Kissing someone like you’re in a teen drama on The CW feels super weird. You gotta use a little tongue, if for no other reason than to lubricate things. You don’t want to get dry mouth when kissing, trust me. The worst though is when you’re kissing someone who isn’t using any tongue and then they do a sneak attack on you by ramming their tongue in your mouth all fast and furious. You’re shocked by the move but you take it as a sign to put your tongue in their mouth. However, by the time your tongue makes it out, your partner’s tongue ran back into hiding. “Wait! Come back tongue. I’m not finished with you yet!”
4. The Noisy Kisser
You might not feel the same way but I love a person who makes a lot of noise during a make out session. Oh my god, it is such a turn on for me. Noise during any sexual act is great (people who don’t make any noise seriously freak me out) but when you’re moaning during an intense make out, it is so sexy. It makes me want to kiss you more and more until both our faces fall off. (I will. I will make your face fall off.)
5. The ADD Kisser
Being with an ADD kisser can be fun but also a serious pain in the ass. They’re switching techniques and positions while you’re Duncan Sheik barely breathing trying to keep up with them. In fact they can be a hybrid of all four of the kissers listed above. You sort of just want to shake them and be like, “Pick something and stick with it, okay?”
6. The Open-Eye Kisser
Call me old-fashioned but I like to kiss with my eyes closed. I’m not trying to get front row seats to your kissing face, okay? I know we all look like freaks when we make out. Plus, when you close your eyes, everything can feel so hazy and dreamy. Some of my kissing partners have felt differently. I’ve opened my eyes and have nearly screamed when I’ve seen their wide open eyes staring back at me. Ew, maybe I’m just being a baby but it sort of creeps me out. Like how can you be looking at me when I’m eating your face?
7. The Amazing Kisser
Ah, the amazing kisser! God bless ’em, they do exist! Finding an amazing kisser is sort of like watching a great movie — you’ll know within the first minute if it’s going to be good or not. I’ve had some great kissers in my day, dudes who have just been in sync with my mouth, and it feels sooooo… amazing when you find them. I don’t think I’m ever going to let my amazing kisser go. I’ll return to his lips over and over again because they’re too sweet to pass up.