Please Don’t Hang Out With Me If You Have A Boyfriend
What’s up with people who are in relationships and still playing the field? I know monogamy and gay men haven’t always seen eye-to-eye but this is getting ridiculous. LISTEN, JUST PLEASE DON’T HANG OUT WITH ME IF YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND! Until you dropped the “B” bomb, we were headed into a flirty/”we’ll be sleeping together ASAP” direction. And then, big bang boom, you thought it would be a good time to mention you were in a committed LTR relationship. What? Did you really just “Jack Berger” me? Have I been Jack Berger’d?
This is depressing for a few reasons. One being that you feel stupid, like you were maybe reading too much into things and maybe YOU’RE the crazy one. (Spoiler: You’re not.) It’s also depressing to think about in terms of the strength of monogamy. I’ve watched people in relationships pursue a hook up aggressively with apparently no regard for their significant other at home. Is this the secret life of a person who’s in a LTR? They have their cake and lie to it too? With some of the men who have dropped “B” bombs (sometimes after hooking up), I want to shake them and be like, “No! This kind of behavior isn’t allowed! If I were your boyfriend, I would pretty much kill you for this.” Is everyone cheating on each other now? Is that just what happens? It all just seems so bleak.
I’m not saying that people in LTR’s aren’t allowed to pursue friendships with single people. However, you need to lay your relationship cards on the table from the get-go. Be like “Hi, nice to meet you. By the way, we can’t make out later because I’m in a relationship. Wanna get the sangria?!” Be open and honest. Don’t just pull out that very important piece of information when we’re already five hang outs deep. Otherwise, you’re guilty of false advertising! Oh and PS, I don’t want to be your friend. I want to give you a beej so bye.
It’s weird for me to see this happen because I’m such a hardcore monogamist. Even in those vague four-month relationships I often found myself in during college, where it’s unclear if you’re exclusive or not, I never screwed around. Once I’m sleeping with someone on the regular, I lose any desire for someone else. Why wouldn’t I? Why would I want to grab drinks with a cute single guy when I have one waiting for me at home? I don’t quite understand the desire and, for that, I’m fortunate. For some people, staying faithful is a daily struggle. The motives for infidelity run the gamut but the fact remains that it happens, perhaps more often than we’d like to admit.
I guess it’s just one of the realities of being single. You try not to become “The Other Man” to someone and become “The Man.” That being said, judging by my own personal experiences, I now believe that being “The Man” doesn’t necessarily grant you more power and security. In fact it can sometimes just make you more paranoid and miserable than if you remained single. Moral of the story? We’re all screwed. Again. Sweet.
Dear Liam, I know who you are. I know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have is a very particular set of skills.
18. It helps if your cat can grow a mustache.
By Rachel Hodin
Meet him young, at a time when you’re not old enough to realize how precious he is.
By its very nature as a rigorous athletic sport, basketball discriminates in favor of the young.
By Jim Goad