What Your Netflix Movie Recommendations Say About You
Netflix can be such a rude boy sometimes, can’t it? Those nights you spend watching movies with the lights off and your MacBook Pro burning into your thighs aren’t lost on the website. No, they pay attention to everything you do on the site so they can compile a list of movie recommendations that speak to your personality. It’s like the Big Brother for lonely cinephiles. Sometimes though you don’t want to hear what Netflix has to say because it’s too real. It’s enough for you to cancel your subscription and start becoming an active participant in life! Well, almost. Here’s what your Netflix genre recommendations say about you. Get ready to face the movie score and feel really bad about yourself. Teehee!
Quirky Romantic Movies Featuring A Strong Female Lead
This genre exists solely for single gay men. If this is popping up on your feed, you’ve probably just finished watching some porn, put on some Oriental slippers and a robe, and are ready to cozy up with some Tilda Swinton in I Am Love, or maybe even if you’re feeling extra cheesy, you’re having a (500) Days Of Summer or Juno moment. These kinds of movies must be experienced with copious amounts of wine. By the end of the movie, you’ll be sobbing in the fetal position and screaming, “Why Can’t Meryl Streep be MY mom?!”
Steamy British Movies Featuring A Strong Female Lead
Not to be confused with the last sub-genre we discussed, Steamy British Movies Featuring A Strong Female Lead is something for the ladies. I don’t know what it is exactly but women love anything British. If you add the words “Period Piece” in front of it then you’ve successfully found every ladies’ G-spot. Congrats! British accents, corsets, Colin Firth, war, and forbidden love are a single girl’s BFF. If this is popping up on your Netflix movie recommendations, chances are you need to leave your house and have lots and lots of sex with real life people.
Movies About Food
If you’re being recommended movies about food, that means you’re starving. Watching Julie & Julia is not a substitute for a meal. Turn off Netflix and feed yourself a sandwich.
Critically-acclaimed Dark Movies About Marriage
Isn’t every dark movie about marriage critically-acclaimed? If you ever want to win an Oscar, just set a depressing movie in suburbia and give it a Thomas Newman score. It works every time! If this sub-genre has popped up on your Netflix, you might be my mom and dad, which means you’ve been divorced and gone to too many Andrea Bocelli concerts to ease the pain. You’re most definitely older. Parents love movies about people in their age group. It makes them feel less invisible in our society. “Finally! A movie about someone over the age of 35!”
Heartfelt Fight-the-System Documentaries
If this is on your Netflix, you’re annoying and I hate you! JK. It just means you were one of the only activists at your college. You rallied against classism at your $30,000 a year university and dated someone named Moon for three hours. To get more people on your side, you advocated for more relatable causes, like adding gluten-free options to the cafeteria.
Suspenseful Foreign Movies With Gay Protagonists
Is this real? How many movies could really exist under this umbrella? Whatever. If this is in your Netflix, we’re probably soulmates. Do you wanna meet and date and fall in love? That way we can just delete our Netflix accounts and no longer be bombarded by unusually specific sub-genres that reveal #dark things about our personality? It’ll be fun, I promise!
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.