October 9, 2011

Stuff You Say When You’re Stoned

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What is the issue?

“Can you tell that I’m stoned? No, I’m serious. Look at me. Are my eyes red? Do I need eye drops? I’m acting weird, aren’t I? They’re going to know. I’m so clearly stoned right now. I can’t go out there. I’m going to just stay here for a second and wait till I feel less stoned. Sitting down now.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll stop laughing. No, I know this is a really serious story. I’m listening. Okay, I’m ready. Tell me. Oh god, I’m laughing again. Make it stop! I seriously can’t help it. I feel terrible. I’m not actually finding it humorous that you’re breaking up with your boyfriend. I feel so sad for you! {BURSTS OUT LAUGHING AGAIN)”

“You’re so pretty. I mean, I’ve always thought you were pretty but I’m like REALLY looking at you now and, oh my god, you’re so beautiful. What ethnicity are you? Oh, just white? Really? You look so….Egyptian though.”

“Hi, I’d like an order of chicken fingers and mashed potatoes please. What’s my address? Um…..sorry…I forgot. Hold on. {ASKS STONED FRIEND WHO IS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) Shut up! Where the hell do I live?! Oh, right. I live at 242 Fairview Court. Great. How long? 20 minutes? Yay! Have a very special day…”

“Can we watch Family Guy right now? I only think it’s funny when I’m stoned. You don’t have the DVD’s anymore? Wow. I’m, like, really depressed by that news for some reason. Okay, well, you wanna just watch episodes of Rich Girls on YouTube then?”

“Where’s my cell phone? I seriously can’t find it. No, this isn’t funny, you guys. Can someone call it? Is it under my bed? Stop making fun of me! I’m not even that stoned so shut up!”

“I’m so high right now. Are you? Wanna smoke another bowl?”

“Mom, I’m not high. No, I swear!”

“Are you freaking out right now? I’m freaking out right now. I want nothing more than to not be stoned right now. Please. Just make it stop.”

“I know this is going to sound really cliche but do you ever think about what happens after you die?”

“Is that car following us? I think it’s following us. Quick. Let’s get off at the next exit!”

“I hate smoking weed. Why did I even do this? Ugh.” TC mark

image – mason bryant
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