I Want To Sleep With Every Single Person In The World
Just kidding! I actually don’t. That sounds exhausting and scary and, geez, think of the STD’s. But lately, I have been in the state of mind where everyone is looking good to me. The other day I passed a disgusting homeless crust punk on St. Mark’s and genuinely thought to myself, “After a nice shower at my house, he would be looking pretty good. Should I be like Mother Theresa and invite him back?” But then I was like, “No, Ryan. Mother Theresa didn’t have sex with homeless people after she helped them out.”
This happens to me every so often, usually while experiencing some kind of dry spell. I become a TOTAL creeper who checks everyone out—vegetable, animal, or mineral—because I’m just sooooo down . If I had an iPhone and wasn’t so terrified of casual, meaningless copulation with strangers, I would be up on Grindr like nobody’s business. One of my good friends is on that site and I am blown away by the number of attractive people on there who just straight up message you and are like, “Hiiii. What’s up? I’m 800 feet away from you. Wanna be 0 feet away?” Dear god. The mere thought of it excites and terrifies me.
When you feel this way, when you feel like you could have sex with everyone you pass on the street, it feels like you have a tumor growing in your stomach. It just builds and builds, growing at a rapid rate, and it starts to suffocate you until you finally can’t take it anymore and have to commit shame sex. Shame sex occurs when you’re not in your right mind. This could be for a variety of reasons such as, you’re wasted, stoned, depressed, totally horny, or all of the above. The altered mind state has put you in a sexual fugue and compromised your good judgement. You’re in a haze and don’t even remember the particulars. You come to when it’s over though and despite feeling pangs of regret, the tumor has been removed from your body and you are free to go on with your life as a person with standards.
I hate feeling like this, powerless to my libido. It makes me feel like such an animal. Who I am doesn’t figure into the equation at all. I am just a creature who was brought to this planet to create life. Haha, suckers! The gays got you good on that one!
Until I snap out of this fugue, I will continue to be attracted to the following people: The sort of fat guy in his forties on the subway, homeless people, someone who might only be seventeen, exes who I actually hate and thought I had no desire to sleep with ever again, the guy who’s sexy/ugly (emphasis on ugly, short on sexy) and last but not least, myself…..
Thanks, brain. Thanks, penis. Thanks.
A | A | A
I started to do lines of Adderall because I thought heroin/drug chic was glamorous. I did it while looking at myself on my iPhone camera, obviously, because how else would I know it was happening if my reflection on a screen wasn’t looking back at me?
2. GRUMPY. Or more appropriately, Humpy.
You break out the shorts when it hits 40 degrees in April.
14. Accidentally dropping a whole bunch of books seems like a great way to eventually get married.