5 Things You Should Never Say To A Gay Man
1. “Um, you’re supposed to look cute. You’re gay!”
This is the face of a gay man in 2011. We’re here, we’re queer, and you better run for it! The above photo was actually the last picture I took of myself on Photo Booth and I think it accurately sums up where I’m at emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually in my gayness. I might be a homo but I can be a haggard a$$ ho if left to my own devices. And you know what? I like being a dirty gay. Ain’t no shame in my gayme. It really pisses me off when people see me looking disheveled and are like, “Um, aren’t you supposed to be gay? How are you so unkempt?! You must’ve missed that part of the gay gene!” Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present this to you as exhibit A in Things That Are Unknowingly Insulting To Gay People 101. Being clean and beautiful isn’t a part of our DNA. Our love for penis is but nothing else.
2. “Ugh, can’t you just be straight?”
Yes, honey. I wish I were straight. But not because I could get married and not feel weird about making out in public but because then I could hook up with you. Answered prayers! Whenever a girl has said that to me, I’m never sure how to respond. My first instinct is to say “Thanks” but I don’t even feel like it’s a compliment. It reflects poorly on the girl by making her look like some sad desperado living out her Will & Grace fantasy, which is something I won’t indulge her in. I’m not going to spend Saturday night with you eating ice cream and talking about how much boys suck. We’re better than that. So stop hitting on me and just be my friend! Or actually don’t be my friend because you’re rubbing my inner thigh right now and things feel weird.
3. “I’m straight.”
You know what’s the # 1 thing closeted guys like to say after hooking up with gay dudes? “I’m straight!” That or they cry. I had one straight guy who literally began to sob after he orgasmed with me. I had to hold him in my arms and chant “IT GETS BETTER!” until he finally stopped hyperventilating. That’s an extreme case though. Usually they’ll just act cold and distant, and start beating their chest like Conan, The Barbarian. Hearing those words “I’m straight” after you just experienced them on a homosexual level can be like nails on a chalkboard though. It’s sort of similar to someone devouring their food at a restaurant and then being like, “That didn’t taste that good.” Don’t get it twisted, straight boys. We know your game because we played it too.
4. “I really want a Gay Best Friend…”
You’re in luck! Gay Best Friends are now being sold on Ebay. They come with their very own phrases like, “Honey, I don’t know about you in that dress…” and “Let’s talk penis!” They’re the perfect companion to brunch, the movies, or a fashion party. Just stick your Gay Best Friend in your bag and you’re good to go. Bonus feature: He’ll make out with you when you’re drunk!
5. “You’re pretty cool for a gay guy!”
I love it when homophobic straight dudes pretend to dip their feet into the acceptance pool because they end up saying some pretty ridiculous things. I mean, it’s better than someone saying “DIE FAGGOT DIE!” but sometimes someone being faux accepting of homosexuals can be insulting as well. Like when people say, “I didn’t even know you were gay because you’re so straight-acting!” It’s meant as a compliment but it’s actually incredibly disparaging to the “queeny” types who, god forbid, “act more gay.” I use quotes because there’s no way anyone can act more gay than someone else. As long as we’re all sleeping with dudes, I’m pretty sure we’re all equally gay. The percentage doesn’t go up when someone says “HEY GIRL HEY!” while wearing a cloak and carrying a copy of the Janice Dickinson memoir. “What you just did there was like superrrr gay. Oh my god, you’re so gay. I’m jealous! I should put glitter in my hair and sleep with a random guy so we can be on the same level again! Wouldn’t want you to outgay me.”
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10. I may have all the rights I need, but many others don’t.
Dear Liam, I know who you are. I know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have is a very particular set of skills.
18. It helps if your cat can grow a mustache.
Meet him young, at a time when you’re not old enough to realize how precious he is.