Why Are People So Obsessed With Ryan Gosling?
Somewhere in The Congo, where he’s researching his latest role as a chimp-loving transvestite, James Franco is weeping silently. Tears are flooding down his pristine face and staining the pages of his debut short story collection, Palo Alto. Why? Because his title is being revoked as Fringe Male Celebrity Who Can Do No Wrong Because He’s So Attractive and being awarded to Ryan Gosling.
Here’s the deal. I like Ryan Gosling. A lot. I think he’s an important actor who’s doing good things. Half Nelson, Lars and the Real Girl, All Good Things — these were all interesting roles he took in solid films. I respect the arc of his career tremendously. Gosling starred in The Notebook and became an overnight household name but instead of signing on to ten different projects, he only starred in like four movies over the next five years. This sort of choosiness was what cemented Leonardo DiCaprio as a movie star rather than a heartthrob. After Titanic blew up, Leo chilled out and only starred in two projects — The Man In The Iron Mask and The Beach — because he knew it was the wisest decision he could make. So, yeah, Gosling is taking a page from Leo’s playbook and is on track to becoming an endangered species AKA a true movie star. But I still don’t understand people’s obsession with him.
He’s cute — no, hot — and he kind of reminds you of the most attractive person at a hipster bar. He’s not so out of reach — you could probably bag him on a good night — and this approachability might be what makes him so desirable, I guess, but I still don’t really get it. I’ve seen more babe-y babes. Why has everyone decided to collectively lose their minds over Gosling?
That’s what I actually attribute this Gosling craze to: the power of the collective. I swear, when we’re all sleeping, we must secretly congregate in some secret room of our subconscious and not leave until we decide who we’re going to universally adore. Ryan Gosling is the latest addition to a pretty small list. Regardless of differing tastes and interests, we can all pretty much agree that he is the bee’s knees. Whatever. I mean, there could be worse men to fawn over — a lot worse — so perhaps it’s just best to count my blessings that we’re not all losing it over someone douchey like Channing Tatum. Phew!
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If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
I visited synagogues all over the world—from Syosset, to Beverly Hills, and back again to Jericho. Studies were made, tests were run, I tasted the blood of a virgin Jew and even conducted my very own bris.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.