You can expect to be surrounded by lots of music. I’ll gift you with a lot of mixed “tapes”, which I’ll spend too much time on (“Which Smiths song should I include? Can I put this Stone Roses jam on here or is it too obviously romantic? I don’t want him to think that I’m sending him messages via a song!”) These mixed tapes are important to me because they create something tangible. If we ever break up, I can put the tapes in a shoebox to remind myself that this love occurred.
You can expect to be taken to lots of dinners and movies. On the surface, I abhor traditional dates but deep down, I love something as simple as Dinner And A Movie. I’m not about to go parasailing on the third date, okay? You can’t see me sweat and do something physical until at least the 8th date.
You can expect a lot of apologizes from me for nothing at all. It’s a nervous tic—apologizing profusely for things that don’t matter and I hate that I do it. I actually want to tell you, “Sorry cause I’M NOT SORRY. I’m only apologizing as some sort of self-loathing exercise.” If you think I’m genuinely apologetic for accidentally taking a sip from your water, you are just as delusional as I am—in which case, we should definitely get married!
You can expect spending a lot of days in bed and ignoring people’s phone calls. I’m really into going off the grid and getting high on each other for nine hours. Has anyone noticed that when you spend all day in bed with a lover, it feels like a drug binge? You’re just addicted to touching their body and you feel like time is standing still. Before you know it, the day is gone and all you’ve accomplished is each other. You spent the day laying in bed naked watching people go by on the street who weren’t in love and doing errands and “making the most of their day”. You’re glad you aren’t them. You’re glad to do nothing.
You can expect a lot of sass, a lot of me pushing you away to see if you’ll come back. I love someone who can push back. It makes me believe that you’re strong and powerful and can do something like build a fire just by conjuring heat with your body. It makes me think that you can do great things and not take anyone’s crap and stick by me even when I’m being a total asshole. We all have habits in relationships that we don’t like and wish we could change. Some are negotiable and some stick like glue. This stuff falls in the latter category.
You can expect a lot of love from me, which is a hard thing to get. But once it’s in your possession, it’s done. Over. I’m screwed. Not today and not tomorrow but someday when it all falls apart. You will have the most intense power over me. You can make me laugh, cry, scream, dance, throw things, whimper etc. It’s like my emotions are a puppet and you’re pulling a string. You know this, I know this, but no one talks about it. No one talks about the awful things someone you love can do to you.
I’m not being defeatist or meaning to paint a bleak picture of relationships. I guess I’m just constantly drawn to the two extremes—how “I love you and want to protect you” can one day turn into “I want to destroy you.” This isn’t always how it works though. Sometimes relationships just naturally fade away. No one is destroyed and the damage is light. And sometimes relationships never end and you marry someone and grow old together and watch each other die. You feel content in knowing that you built your life with someone else. At 25, I can’t fathom that type of love but I want it. Just like you do.
I’m referring here to the relationships that can wreck you. You can expect these things when I fall in love you but what can you expect when we fall out of love?