September 27, 2011

The Different Types Of Sex You Can Have

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What is the issue?

1. Drunk sex

Drunk sex is one of the most common ways to have sex amongst twentysomethings, and this could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe it’s because we sleep with people we normally wouldn’t have even touched if we were sober, or maybe it’s because we’re anxious and nervous about intimacy, especially when it’s the first time with someone new. Whatever the case may be, people are having a ton of drunk sex. In fact, I know a couple of people who have had more drunk sex than sober sex, which makes my heart sink a little. The thing about drunk sex is that it’s rarely good. Sure, it may seem sexy and raw in the moment but you’ll realize what a sloppy mess it was when you wake up the next morning with bizarre bruises all over your body and a hickey on your ass/face/boob/neck. Plus, the potential for a shame spiral is so high because you’ll remember certain acts you committed that you never would have done if you were sober (Yeah girl, chances are that you went there last night). It requires a major level of Nancy Drew investigating to figure out what exactly had happened during the sex. Because even when you’re sober, sex has the ability to put some sort of gauze over your memory. But drunk sex ditches the gauze and just puts a blindfold over your eyes. You know that things are being done to your body but you’re not sure what. It’s like that game people play in haunted houses on Halloween where you close your eyes and have to figure out what it is you’re actually touching. Spaghetti is usually intestines, jello is supposed to brains etc. That’s drunk sex. “Is this penetration? Is this a kiss? Or is this jello?”

2. Stoned sex

Stoned sex always begins with the best of intentions. Your senses are working overtime and everything feels so amazing but it usually devolves into a long sex nap with nachos. Kissing is great because lips feel like goose feather pillows and the tongue has this slimy texture that actually feels great. It’s when things progress further that things can be overwhelming. Suddenly, you realize that you have this body that you have to do things to and you’re just like, “Babe, I can’t be responsible for your private parts tonight. Can we just make out for another ten hours and watch a weird movie?” It’s legitimately difficult to go all the way when you’re stoned as hell and your mind is jumping around to a thousand places, most of which don’t involve your partner’s naked body. If your sex person is also stoned, they’ll probably be okay with an I.O.U. but if they’re not stoned, well….what the hell are you doing trying to get with a sober person when you’ve Cheech and Chonged yourself? That ain’t right.

3. Morning sex

Morning sex can be polarizing; People seem to either think it’s the hottest thing since nighttime sex or they think it’s just a hot mess. I personally think it’s the former. I lovveeeee a good 6am sesh when the sun begins to rise and peek through your window. And as a dude, I’m usually most aroused around that time anyway (morning wood is real). I just think that nighttime sex can sometimes be a letdown. You hook up for a really long time until it’s three in the morning and you’re exhausted. You have to go to work in a few hours so you just stop the sex midway and don’t even finish. Reconvening in a few hours allows you to get some shuteye and takes the pressure off. Sure, your breath smells like the morning AND their “juices” but there’s something liberating about that. It’s like, “Yeah, we’re both disgusting right now but I really want you so I don’t care.” It’s funny. When you have sex at night, you typically spend so much time getting your body ready for it. You smell good, you look good, but in the end, morning breath and bedhead is what seals the deal. Oh, and another thing about morning sex is that you’re in a dream state for most of it. You’re still sort of asleep, which can actually be super hot.

4. Afternoon sex

Afternoon sober sex is the realest of the real. A 3:30pm session is not for the faint of heart. It creates a level of intimacy that is only recommended for someone you actually like. Some of the sweetest (i.e. most tender and innocent) sexual encounters I’ve had are the times I had sex after school around 3pm. The light would flood my room and I would be all sweaty and sticky from PE and being up since 7 in the morning, but it felt nice to be that exposed. I once hooked up with this guy for the first time when I was drunk at 2am and then the next day he came over to my apartment at, like, 1pm to finish what we had started. I was struck by how different the two experiences had been. Just 12 hours earlier, I had seen him in the early wasted morning and now he was in my bedroom in the middle of the day. For the first time in a long time, I felt genuinely nervous and was shaking like a leaf. It was sweet though. We need to have that kind of sex more often. We need to have that kind of sex that makes us uncomfortable and forces us to be intimate and real with each other. Drunk sex can be fun but it shouldn’t be accounting for the bulk of your sexual experiences. That’s missing the point of sex and it also means you’re missing out. TC mark

image – Horiavarlan
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