Ten Reasons Why I Wish My Life Was More Like A TV Show
- My life would be so much better if it had a soundtrack. Seriously. If I ever become super wealthy, I’m going to hire a music supervisor to follow me around with an iPod so that when something poignant happens, they can cue up the perfect song and play it. If I’m cuddling with a boy in bed, my music supervisor would hide under the bed and play “After Hours” by The Velvet Underground. If the boy asks where the music is coming from, I’ll just distract him with a four hour make out session.
- TV gets to have montages! Everything seems more exciting and cool when it’s in a montage. On top of hiring a music supervisor, I would also like to hire a camera guy and an editor to create montages of my life that I can later view in the comfort of my own home. They can be as mundane as putting together a dinner party (“There’s me shopping at the grocery store! Oh, and look, there’s my meltdown when I discover that I forgot the aioli! Now, everything’s okay and everyone’s eating and looking happy!”) or they can be as major as charting my progress in becoming a Chelsea gym bunny like Marc Jacobs. The possibilities are endless!
- I would have so much sex. TV characters jump from relationship to relationship without ever getting a break. They’re never single unless it’s for, like, a two parter episode that airs during sweeps, and even then they’re just super depressed for a second and get over it. I want a Season Two boyfriend that I’ll eventually dump before running into the arms of my Season Three boyfriend!
- Relationships actually can disappear! You know how the Internet has made it impossible for our exes and old friends to go away? Well, TV doesn’t have that problem! When someone gets broken up with, it can actually be over for real. People skip town in a dramatic closing scene and are never heard from again, unless it’s for a random cameo in a season finale. Remember when Oz and Willow broke up in Buffy? Dude just skipped town and, like, never came back. Talk about closure! *drool*
- People actually stop by each other’s houses and stuff! Lately, TV has had to acknowledge technology and the internet, which is a bummer because I think it should be 1999 forever on my TV. But they still do unrealistic stuff like “just stopping by to say hey!” I mean, I can’t remember the last time someone did that and if they did, I would assume they were actually trying to murder me or something. Damn you, society for turning me into a freak who’s afraid of personal interactions. TV characters seem to have more of a healthy handle on things.
- People overcome major issues in three episodes. I could get addicted to drugs and beat it in only a few weeks! The first week would show me trying it, the second week would show me using it more, and by the third week, I would I hit rock bottom and go to rehab! It would be so easy and fun. I have a few weeks to kill anyway.
- I would never have to really work. The majority of TV characters have jobs but unless it’s a workplace comedy or drama, their work is usually an afterthought. Like remember how Monica from Friends was a chef and Ross was a paleontologist? They somehow had these amazing jobs and still had time to get entangled in romances and wacky misunderstandings. Sounds perfect to me!
- If I ever had a child and didn’t like it anymore, I could just send it upstairs and never see it again, just like they did with Judy in Family Matters.
- I could have opening credits for my life! I would stand in front of a green screen and make a pensive expression while the words “RYAN O’CONNELL” flash across the screen.
- If I ever got sick of having a TV life, I would could just start hanging out with a pet chimp or something and get the show cancelled.
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Will it feel the same when you tell me you love me over the phone? Will the peacefulness of those words still floor me from thousands of miles away?
I was conflicted. It felt like one eye was trying to look away while the other soaked it up. I felt the heat rise in my face. This was wrong. But it didn’t feel wrong.
Any nervous flyer knows the progression of descending panic: bile, sweaty palms, social awkwardness and self-induced sedation.
I know how it feels when the weight of darkness crashes down onto your chest in the middle of the night, and how you wish things would stop spinning because the axis seems tilted now. I know, love, I know.