Lies Felicity Told Me About College
1. Your dorm room will be huge!
This was a very cruel lie Felicity told me. I remember going to my dorms on the first day of my freshman year all bright eyed and bushy tailed because I couldn’t wait to see my mini mansion of a room! Remember Felicity and Megan’s? It was the size of a giant co-op in Park Slope! So imagine my disappointment when I discovered that mine was actually the size of a walk in closet. “Um, excuse me. This is not how it is on TV! Where are our separate entrances? Can I talk to my sexy nerd of an RA about this?”
2. The dorms are an amazing cultural experience. Someone is always playing an instrument and such!
Felicity’s dorm was awesome. There was always some musical prodigy playing the piano or saxophone or some scary movie being viewed in the lobby. And what a quirky bunch of kids they were, always coming to Noel for some wacky advice! In real life, however, dorms don’t have much of an ambience, unless you count late night vomiting as something. And the kids are usually dicks who have never actually talked to their RA.
3. College kids hang out at Dean & Deluca
When I first moved to New York, I made sure to check out Dean & Deluca—the place Felicity worked at all throughout college—ASAP! I imagined it to be frequented by smart college kids writing papers and gossiping and I even remember telling my new friends at school, “Hey guys. Wanna go to Dean & Deluca and study later?” They gave me confused looks and were like, “Um, okayyyyy. I have, like, no money though. But yeah, let’s!” I was confused by their resistance. Hadn’t Dean & Deluca been the place to go for students? I went after school to scope out the situation and immediately understood their hesitation. Instead of being managed by a quirky Spanish gay guy and populated by college students, it was stuffy and overrun by 80-year-old grandmas in Chanel. Ew! Felicity would’ve never worked here! To save face with my new school chums, I would always study elsewhere with them. However, you best believe that I went to Dean & Deluca in secret to channel Felicity’s spirit. For some reason, it always reminded me of California and made me feel safe.
4. Your RA will be a sexy bitch and you will probably have an illicit affair with them!
Um, no. Instead of getting Noel Crane, I got an overweight Albino Christian who was basically a sexual predator to the girls on my floor. There would be no smooching over Boggle in my future. My RA wore size 48 OshKosh B’gosh jeans, talked incessantly about the fact that he was a virgin (by choice, although we knew that was BS), and once he even sat us all down to show us an episode of Flipped—a reality show about swapping families that aired on the Fox Family channel many moons ago. His family had appeared on an episode as the creepy religious ones who try to tame a liberal family’s ways.
5. You can be a turtleneck wearing, frizzy haired psycho and people will still want to be friends with you
I’m just re-watching Felicity now after taking a hiatus for a few years and I’m alarmed by how crazy her behavior was. I mean, she is legitimately a stalker. If I were Ben or Julie, I would get the locks changed and call the police if I ever saw her khaki ass coming near me. But I guess this was seen as endearing? I don’t get it. Not only is she unstable, homegirl never likes to drink or have any fun. What’s the draw? You just know that Ben and Julie would have secret hang out sessions in which they would call the coke dealer and listen to Julie’s weird folk music till six in the morning.
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You would have infinitives that you truly hold close to your heart and a couple of onomatopoeic mixtures of syllables that give music to your life. You would often be misunderstood, but you’d never be boring.
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