Why No One Is Getting Laid
It seems really difficult to have sex these days. Why is that? I thought sex was the one thing everyone could agree on. Whether you were a Christian, a hippie, a punk, a prep, or a geek who played World of Warcraft, we would always have common ground with sex. Because sex is great! It makes us feel good, turns us on, and it gives us something to talk about with our friends. So why do we do subscribe to these stupid games that prevent us from getting laid?
In theory, it’s really easy to get someone to have sex with you. Straight girls, in particular, can get laid in a heartbeat. I’ve seen it happen; I’ve seen some of my girlfriends go into a bar and bag a guy in five minutes, and I get chills just watching them. I often wish that I had the courage to do that. Instead, I let my neuroses consistently cockblock me. My brain: 1. My penis: 0. I have a feeling that I’m not the only who suffers from this type of analysis paralysis. I think the general sex mood of my generation is always feeling unsure and doing all of these technological dances “correctly” before you can finally have someone put their stuff in your stuff.
Maybe we’ve become too critical. Maybe Facebook and texting has turned us into a bunch of judgmental jerks who would say no to sex just because someone uses an emoticon or lists Dave Matthews Band under their favorite music. “Ugh, total dealbreaker!” Really? Well, have fun sleeping alone tonight next to your cool Beach House poster. I can see that listing Beach House under your favorite music is really helping you get laid. You know what, I bet the people who listen to Plain White T’s and Orgy have so much more sex because there’s freedom in having bad taste. It’s like when you see two hideous people walking down the street holding hands. Your initial reaction is that of disgust but it’s immediately replaced by envy when you realize you’re the one walking solo to the ice cream shop.
I want there to be a National Honesty Day (sort of like a revamped version of Liar, Liar and without Jim Carrey) where people text each other their true feelings. I’m sure the day will end in rioting and everyone’s phones/computers will be smashed to smithereens but at least our souls will feel cleansed.
In the meantime, I suggest just being a little more real if you want to get laid. Ask someone straight-up, “Are we having sex later because if not, I g2g.” The worst thing that can happen is the person says no and you have a nervous breakdown in the middle of the bar/street/deli, becoming fearful of putting yourself out there ever again!
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5. Double the milestones.
1. From the moment you declare your major, you will claim authority over any and all grammar or spelling disputes that arise in everyday conversations.
You start to freak out and don’t know whether to cry or to scream but DEAR GOD MY HAIR IS ORANGE.
Good thing Facebook has enabled the unfollow button to hide them from your personalized newspaper.