What You Would Be Like In A Perfect World
In a perfect world, you would never disappoint yourself. You would never make a mistake more than once. Your learning curve would be excellent. If someone hurt you, you would delete them from your phone and not think twice about them. You wouldn’t get too drunk, wouldn’t make a fool of yourself in a party dress vomiting on the side of the road. I mean, why would you ever do such a thing?! You’re just bound to be in a shame spiral the next morning. Why can’t you just look ahead for once? Why can’t you think of the consequences?
In a perfect world, you would be the best friend anyone could ask for. You wouldn’t feel jealous when they got into a relationship, wouldn’t secretly feel relief when you hear about them being in a fight, wouldn’t say that catty comment behind their back. You’d be selfless. You’d never resent them, feel pangs of abandonment, never cry about the fact that things have changed. You accept everything at face value and you don’t question it. That would be perfect, wouldn’t it?
In a perfect world, you could please everyone. You’d be the perfect child, perfect lover, perfect renter, perfect eater, perfect employee. You would call your grandmother the second she got her hip replaced, you would send your mother flowers on her birthday, you would get your work done every single day and pay your rent on time. None of this would cause you anxiety or make you feel overwhelmed. It was just how you were wired. You were born to do everything perfectly. You’re going to be how everyone wants you to be.
In a perfect world, you don’t procrastinate or cry about things in the middle of the afternoon, things that are beyond your control and you have no hopes of fixing. You would never do that because it’s wasteful. In a perfect world, useless emotions are never felt.
In a perfect world, everyone you loved would love you back. It’d be as easy as 1, 2, 3. “Oh, you love me? I love you back then. No questions asked.” There’d be no unreturned texts, no jabs, no infidelity. They’d be exactly how you want them to be. And they don’t get to leave until you say it’s over. “I’m not done loving you. Come back right now!”
In a perfect world, you would exercise and not eat that hamburger and love your body. You would never have a day when you would feel fat and you would have no shame in wearing denim cutoffs. #touchmybody
Wait, you aren’t perfect. Wait, you sometimes date jerks and eat hamburgers and get too drunk and think bad thoughts about friends and feel fat and forget to call your grandma and cry over stupid stuff. And you know what? Thank god you do. Because if you were perfect, you’d be so boring and everyone would hate you for real. And we’d have no dreams or goals because in our minds, we’d already be there. Oh my god, we would be like Scientologists or people who read The New Yorker?!
A | A | A
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
I visited synagogues all over the world—from Syosset, to Beverly Hills, and back again to Jericho. Studies were made, tests were run, I tasted the blood of a virgin Jew and even conducted my very own bris.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.