I’m turning 25 in two days, which makes me feel old only because I’ve been raised in an ageist society. As I get older, I actually do start to realize that “young” is a relative term. At fifteen, I shuddered at the thought of turning this age. I would’ve presumed my life to be over. No drinking, no going out, no fun! You’re a serious 25-year-old now! Today, I feel like as long as people still gasp and tell me, “Oh my god, you’re still a baby!” when I tell them my age at parties, I can still be considered young. So please never stop pinching my cheeks, you devilish thirtysomethings.
People typically like to celebrate getting older by getting wasted and sobbing in public. That’s not really my style though. I’m more of a “Let’s make an unrealistic list of the things I should stop doing once I’ve reached a certain age” kind of guy. I just love to set myself up for failure, you know? It’s sort of like my annual birthday gift to myself. Anyway, here’s my list. Anyone under the age of 25 should take heed and anyone over the age of 25 should start judging themselves.
When I turn 25, I should stop being shocked by the fact that my peers are getting married. Proclaiming yourself husband and wife in your mid-twenties doesn’t completely read as a colossal mistake. It’s more of like a 30% mistake and 70% “Oh my god, young married couple. That’s kind of cute!” I can still be annoyed though. People always reserve the right to be annoyed when others find love before them, duh!
When I turn 25, I should start “owning” my flaws rather than burying them under the rug that I purchased at IKEA. It’s what Jill Zarin from The Real Housewives Of New York does. She always says, “I’m a no good, very bad, terrible person…but I own it!” That sounds so freeing and adult—becoming an owner of your shortcomings as opposed to being a non-commital renter. I’m too poor to own a house at 25 but I will earn just enough to own the fact that I’m a Virgo emotional control freak! Yay. It should also be noted that getting older means modeling your life after Jill Zarin’s.
When I turn 25, I should stop saying no to that glass of wine at 3pm and start saying “Hey girl hey!” I’ve heard that getting older is a bitch and one must have several glasses of wine a day just to get through it. Being casually day drunk in your mid-twenties doesn’t hold such a stigma as it does when you’re, say, 24. You go from being a potential alcoholic who everyone is silently judging to being someone who just gets it.
When I turn 25, I should stop smiling at people who I would much rather kick in the eye. I really think Morrissey was on to something there. The other day while I was on the bus to Provincetown, a woman asked me if I could reach over and plug in her charger. I pretended to be asleep because I didn’t want to deal with it. Is that insane? It was the first time I’ve ever done something like that but I felt really grown up afterwards. I finally gave into my secret fantasy of being a giant asshole in public and it felt damn good. I’ve never smoked a cigarette but I imagine the feeling to be comparable to a post-coital cigarette and a slice of chocolate cake. Pure heaven. I’m still not ready to send something back at a restaurant though. I’m shooting for that to be included on the “The Things You Should Stop Doing When You’re 33″ list.
Actually, the final and most important thing I should stop doing when I turn 25 is making these stupid lists. I should stop having such an emotional attachment to age and just be who I am and do the things I do and stop putting myself in situations where I know I will feel bad about myself! Uh, and by “I”, I meant “you” obviously. Bunch of age-obsessed freaks! What’s the matter with you?!