The Definition Of Being A Grown Up
Being a grown up means making a home for yourself. Having a first aid kit in the bathroom and a spice rack in the kitchen. “You know what this dish needs? A splash of oregano! Let me consult my spice rack that’s made specifically for adults!”
Being a grown up means throwing dinner parties at your home for your grown up friends. People will get drunk, secrets will be revealed and someone will be having an affair in the guest bathroom! For dessert, people will pass around a joint and listen to MGMT (#dark) while talking about the old daze. There’ll be a swimming pool and people will be jumping in while still wearing their evening gowns. We’ll all be laughing hysterically. There might even be an orgy.
Being a grown up means buying exclusively organic foods. Wandering around Gelson’s or a Farmer’s Market aimlessly while clutching a bag of red peppers. “If anyone needs to know where the fresh produce is, you can ask me. I’m an adult.”
Being a grown up means having children but only when it’s fun and convenient for you. Walk around your suburban neighborhood with a bourgie stroller and be like, “Hey girl! There’s a baby in this thing!” Leave the baby on the front lawn while you drink a glass of wine and think really mature thoughts.
Being a grown up is all about wearing fashion-y clothes 24/7. A ballerina bun and a casual black cocktail dress. Guys can wear boat shoes, polos and short shorts. Chic, chic, chic! Possible looks include: This Is The Dress I Have My Affair In, Where Are My Car Keys, Where Is The Baby, Where Is The Vodka, Where’s My Period, Is This The PTA, Are These Cheetos Organic, I’m On Vacation, Bitch!
Being a grown up means marrying your soulmate and screwing it all up by having sex with the hot person at your gym. It’s all about sneaking around town, being incognito, and just generally destroying everything you’ve worked so hard to build for some illicit sex.
Being a grown up means being stressed out about where to go on vacation. You’ll go to Maine unless you go to San Francisco. But maybe San Francisco is not exotic enough so you’ll go to Cabo. I don’t know, you can’t really talk about it because it gives you serious anxiety.
Being a grown up means screaming “No more wire hangers ever!” to the guy at the deli for forgetting to put the honey mustard on your sandwich.
Being a grown up means being friends with at least one lesbian couple.
Being a grown up means being in a really good place and like really healthy and happy and getting a dog and looking back at the things you did in your twenties and being like, “Wowwwwww. I don’t miss that at all. Being a grown up is so much better.”
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”