Seven Things A Twentysomething Can’t Do
1. Mail something
Whenever I have to mail something, I have a mini panic attack. First, I have to get stamps, which seems super daunting because I have no idea where they’re sold. Can I get one at my vegan co-op later or maybe the guy I’m sleeping with from Ok Cupid has some at his apartment. IDK! Then there is the terrifying dilemma of acquiring an envelope. Once you manage to get these two things, you have to somehow put them together and handwrite things. Lastly, you have to search for something called a mailbox. I’ve heard about mailboxes in movies but I’ve yet to see one in real life. Honestly, flying Virgin to give someone something seems more feasible these days. Like I’ve heard of the band The Postal Service but I didn’t know that it was based on a real thing, okay?
2. Call someone on the phone
Phone conversations are reserved solely for job interviews and awkward shame-spiraling conversations with your parents. “Dad, I know I’ve been interning for a year but I really think they’re going to hire me soon. Can’t you just respect that I’m having a hard time right now?” I love texting people really serious things and then ignoring them when they then call in a panic. “Yesterday was really hard emotionally. I think I’m moving back home.” RING, RING. “Um, I’m in a movie right now. Can’t talk.” When I say that I love doing this, I really mean “What the hell is wrong with my generation? Pick up your damn phone. I can see that you’ve just tweeted something. Don’t insult me!”
3. Say no
Saying no to things is really hard in your twenties. “Sure, I’ll go to lunch with you even though I would rather eat glass. Sure, I’ll go to your house party in Crown Heights because it’s Saturday night and I just finished watching every episode of Ally McBeal on Netflix Instant. Sure, I’ll do opium tea. Sounds scary but whatever!” You haven’t been screwed over enough yet to reject everything like you do in your thirties. I mean, I’m nowhere near thirty but I hope it involves being able to say no to a lot of things. Is this true? Can I say no on my thirtieth birthday?
4. Save money/ make money/ do anything positive with money
Money: How do you make it? How do you make a lot of it and not spend it all when you’re wasted? I really wish Suze Orman would help a twentysomething sister out. Like how do you get from Point Starving And Eating 2 Dollar Falafel Glamour to Point Taking This Twenty Dollar Cab Is NBD And I Might Go On Vacay For A Sec Because I’m Worth It. Do you ever wonder how everyone survives? Like where does their money come from? How do they have it because you know they aren’t getting paid anything at their job. There must be a secret trust fund I’m unaware of. That, or I just live in wealthy cities.
5. Tell the truth/ commit to plans
Lying is a twentysomething’s full-time job. Whether it’s to get out of pre-existing plans, composing our resumes, or admitting the amount we drank last night, we always seem to be covering our tracks and stretching the truth. I mostly lie to get out of pre-existing plans. As a result, I think my friends think I’m perpetually hungover and vomiting, which I AM, OKAY? Don’t let anyone tell you different…
6. Speak in proper English
Sowwy we can’t. We love to type lYkE disS (4 irony) and speak in abrevs.
I love watching a movie while writing and texting and maybe masturbating while hanging out with my best friends!!! Wait, what were you saying again? You’re leaving your boyfriend and becoming a nun? OMG, hold on. Let me just finish this text real quick and then we can talk about it.
You break it to them as softly as can. They immediately beg you to stay.
By Dallas Rico
As much as I appreciate someone telling me to keep my chin up when going through a hard time, I’m fairly certain I’d rather them let me punch dance out my rage in their backyard.
By Rob Fee
At their biological core, men are ruled by sexuality. They identify potential mates using their eyes first, while women take a more complicated approach.
You probably thought I was going to recommend Orange Is The New Black but I’m not.