Seven Things A Twentysomething Can Do

1. Have lots and lots of feelings!

Being a twentysomething is like being on a perpetual emotional rollercoaster—there’s a lot of screaming, adrenaline, and occasionally vomit. Our age entitles us to be sensitive about everything. “I feel, like, just off today. Maybe it’s the weather or something. I was just at Kinko’s and almost started crying near the printer!” Crying for no reason is like a sport for us! Who’s going to win the twentysomething olympics?! Competitions include drunk texting, crying at commercials, careful use of “I” statements and complaining about everything all the time. Personally, I feel like I’m the Michael Phelps of suffering from vague mid-grade anxiety. I like to vocalize that I feel anxious at least four times a day. The source is unclear. All I know is that I feel weird, okay?! My anxiety is giving me anxiety. Can’t you see that I’m just in a bad place right now?!

2. Be hyperbolic about everything

Twentysomethings have a tendency to exaggerate about most things (unless it’s about the money we’re receiving from our parents). If you go a week without drinking, we’ll be quick to say, “Oh my god, I have been such a homebody. I haven’t drank in like a month!” Or, “I literally have not slept in 36 hours. I literally haven’t eaten all day.” If it’s prefaced with “literally,” chances are it’s a lie. When will we learn to stop stretching the truth?!

3. Change our minds

On food: I would eat Thai if there’s good outdoor seating at the restaurant, but if there’s not, I would actually love to eat some pizza but only if there are vegan options. Wait, you know what I actually want? Subway.
On dating: I really like Josh. I think we just really click and he’s sweet and makes me happy. Wait, I hate Josh because he makes a weird face when he orgasms and this one time he insulted my shoes and I had to hold back the tears during dinner. We’re done.
On ourselves: I’m never drinking again. Do you have any white wine? I’m in a really healthy place right now. Just kidding. Things have gotten really bad since we last talked five minutes ago.
On music: Oh my god, Cults are my favorite band! Wait, is this Cults playing? They’re annoying, don’t you think?
On drugs: I’m never doing coke again. It’s the worst. Will there be some at the party tonight? I kind of feel like getting cray cray.

4. Talk about sex more than actually having it

Let’s talk about sex all day long instead of actually having it. That would require too much work and I’m sooo scared of rejection. Then you have to worry about the morning after being awkward and then you have the technology dance with the texting. You sit there with your phone waiting for a response that doesn’t scream “LAST NIGHT WAS A MISTAKE.” Then you get the response and even if it’s good, you still freak out about some minute detail like a period or a question mark. No, having sex is exhausting now. I’ll just talk about it with my friends at brunch, okay?

5. Talk shit

Twentysomethings are really good at talking shit. If we could get paid to gossip, the job crisis would seriously be solved. Bye bye recession, hello #glamour. A good shit talking session gives us a sense of purpose in this chaotic world. Plus, it’s been made so easy thanks to the internet. When you tweet about how much you love your boyfriend, how are we not supposed to make fun of you? It’s like you’re giving me a gift and asking me not to unwrap it.

6. Lurk

Twentysomethings are really good at research. Give us a stranger’s name and ask us to find out where they went to school, who they’re dating, who they’re fighting with and their default camera face and we will. The things I know about people who hang on the periphery of my social circle are truly disgusting. It might seem like we’re meeting for the very first time, but honey, I know what you did last summer and the summer before that. In fact, I know what you did yesterday. You hung out with your friend Annie and saw the new Harry Potter. You tweeted about it! Was it good? I’ve heard good things!

7. Miss things

I just ate a cheese omelette and I already miss it. Maybe I should blog about it in a post called, “The Cheese Omelette And Me: A Complicated Love Story!” I also miss today. I mean, I know it’s not over yet but it feels over, you know? And I hate it when things just end like that. Maybe I should take a picture of today to always remember it. nEver 4gEt.